RockStarPeach

So, okay. A very good friend of mine (yeah, you know who I'm talking about) recently asked me to write her some date rape fic. Then she got all gun happy and wrote her own Sam/Brady date rape fic. So naturally I took a different approach than she did but here it is, creepy and rapey and seriously, seriously wrong. Hope you like it, baby!

Title: Count the Cost
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rating: Adult
Summary: AU. Jared’s had a tough run in the love department, but he thinks that might change when he meets Jensen. And even though Jensen comes on a little strong at times, Jared likes Jensen enough to give it more than one shot. Is Jared looking so hard for his happily ever after that he’s willing to overlook the ‘happy’ part?
Word count: 6700
Warnings: RAPE. It’s not violent but it’s there.



***

Jared spends more time than most turning down dates.

Seriously, look at him. It’s not like he wants for attention much when goes out. People blatantly undress him with their eyes nearly every time he leaves the house and he gets asked out at least once a week. Usually by people who very much aren’t his type.

Most often it’s girls, and they’re pretty and sweet with big blinking eyes and long, dark lashes and beautiful pouty lips, but they’re not really for him. He’d tried once, when he was fifteen years old and the night ended in a pretty definite confirmation of his sexual orientation when he’d had to picture Peter, the captain of the senior varsity baseball team just to be able to kiss Maggie back when she stuffed her tongue down his throat.

A week later he’d much more successfully made out with a boy from his civics class and hasn’t looked back since.

So yeah, he spends a lot of time politely declining invitations for lunch.

Every once in a very long while, a man is bold enough to ask him for a drink, or maybe a movie. A meal on occasion, and if they’re feeling particularly bold (and douchey) they just flat out ask for sex. It’s not often that Jared accepts the dates and even less so the blatant pleas for carnal encounters. In the past year, he’s had maybe a half a dozen dates and exactly one of them has led to a second, and subsequently a third. That relationship didn’t last longer than the forth date however, when Jake asked if he could fuck Jared while his best friend video taped it for his website.

He’s had a series of piss poor excuses for relationships with a series of piss poor excuses for men pretty much his entire life. He’s done with that, though. He’s dead set on finding his one amongst a thousand thousand runners up, and while he’s having his fun in the mean time, he makes certain not to put his whole self into things that he knows won’t work out. He’s not so self-important that he thinks he’s the only person in the world who’s had a rough gig, romance-wise, but he’s been around enough to know that most of the opportunities that appear promising turn out to be for shit.

He’s not a shut in or anything, because he has too much of a zest for life and love and fun in general for him to live any other way than heart first, but Jared is cautious these days. More than he was a few years ago, when he had himself convinced that every guy that he so much as had coffee with was going to be his for life.

He wasn’t cautious when Steve asked him for dinner late last February and he let Steve jerk him off in the car on the way to the restaurant, before the guy turned out to be a self-righteous douche with a serious ego and an unhealthy obsession with collectable spoons. Seriously spoons.

He wasn’t cautious when Dan, an artist, asked him to the modern impressionist exhibit at the art gallery downtown last April, and Jared blew him in the bathroom before he actually saw some of the bullshit the guy passed off as art and Jared ditched him while he was distracted explaining his latest piece to a young man in a beret. Yeah.

He wasn’t cautious when Tom took his hand in the Starbucks line and asked him up to his apartment on the fourteenth floor in the next building over, and he wasn’t cautious when Tom fucked him hard and fast against the wall and Jared wound up with crabs and never heard from Tom again.

Not until almost a year later when Tom came into the bookstore where Jared works, looked at him oddly and left without buying anything.

Not that Jared remembers him or anything. The dick.

He wasn’t cautious when Kerry, a pretty little thing, probably five years younger than Jared, asked him out for a hot dog on the corner last June and he fucked Kerry later that night over the kid’s kitchen table before Kerry kicked him out because his boyfriend was on his way home from work.

He wasn’t cautious when he met Justin at a dance club during the high heat of summer and rode Justin’s cock in the back seat of his Prius in the parking lot, after two incredibly dirty dances. Justin had opened the door afterward, practically pushed Jared out onto the ground with a come-spattered shirt and his pants hanging on by one ankle, and laughed when he shut the door in Jared’s face and Jared noticed the cropped, light brown head of someone new getting into the car from the other side.

Whatever. It hadn’t been like Jared was planning on sticking around per say, but he hadn’t thought the sex was anything to laugh at.

Anyway, the point is, since then Jared’s been careful. He hasn’t been on a date in months and he hasn’t been laid in a lot longer than that.

He turns down most suitors and he holds himself back, makes a conscious decision not to storm in dick first because that sort of reckless shit obviously doesn’t work for him. No, now he’s going to go slow, only go out with people who really make an impression, wait until he knows there’s something between them before they’re intimate.

Now, he’s cautious.

He’s cautious when he meets Matt in January and they go out for a burger and Jared sends him home with a chaste kiss and no promises.

He’s cautious when he meets Mike in February and no matter how thick Mike lays on the charm, Jared doesn’t go home with him and gets a dirty look and a mumbled ‘cocktease’ for his troubles.

He’s cautious in May when Ben, an investment banker who likes jogging just as much as Jared, asks him out for lunch after his morning run. He never sees Ben again, but he does leave with some pretty good ideas for his portfolio.

And in June, when he meets Jensen, he’s so damn ready to throw caution to the wind and ask for his hand in marriage it’s not even funny, but he’s cautious anyway.

The bell over the door jangles and Jared looks up from the counter where he’s reading over the latest shipping invoice. He takes in the sight in front of him, swallows, looks down at his paperwork again and then he promptly trips over his own tongue in his effort to make his way around the counter. He smoothes out his t-shirt and combs his hair back with his fingers, blinks to make sure he’s not hallucinating.

Because seriously, this guy that just came in? Pretty much the hottest guy that Jared has ever seen. Ever. And he’s smiling, thin line of bright white teeth between plush pink lips and his eyes are crinkled at the corners, bright and inviting and Jared wants to tackle him right there.

“Can I uh… Can I help you with something?” Jared asks and then he bites his tongue until tears prick in the backs of his eyes so that he doesn’t say anything completely idiotic like ‘The store room is free. Wanna fuck?’ because Jared’s a good boy these days. He doesn’t sleep with beautiful men on the first day anymore. He’s looking for something with more meaning.

Also, he doesn’t want to look like an idiot, because this guy could seriously be the love of his life and if he drools all over himself he might ruin his chances.

“Wow, you look… even better than I remembered,” the guy mumbles, with wide eyes.

“Errr, what?” Jared asks, stopping in front of the ‘Best Sellers’ display with his face drawn tight.

“Nothing,” the guy says with a smile. “Just… I saw you before, I think. Was in here with a friend of mine. And you look…”

The guy breaks off and laughs slightly at himself, takes a few steps in Jared’s direction and stops when he’s close enough to rest his hand against Jared’s forearm, folded over the bookshelf in front of the latest Grisham.

“Sorry,” the guy says. “I’m probably making a huge jackass out of myself here.” He might be, Jared agrees. He probably would be, if he was talking to someone who wasn’t already completely smitten with him just because of those Goddamn eyes of his, but Jared just smiles politely and tries not to drop his pants.

“Probably,” Jared answers, grinning an impossibly huge grin. Seriously. His face hurts so much that he thinks it can’t be physically possible to smile this hard. “But that’s alright. Keep going.”

The man laughs even harder at that. His hand slides over Jared’s elbow and Jared shivers in pleasure as it keeps moving up, up over his bicep and over his shoulder, back down along the underside to his elbow again.

“Strong,” the guy says, nodding appreciatively as his gaze follows the touch of his fingers. “I like that.”

“Uh…” Jared says, frowning slightly but he doesn’t move, doesn’t pull back from the man’s fingers placed solidly over his forearm again. “Thanks?”

“Sorry,” the guy says, shaking his head and smiling up at Jared like he’s not sorry at all. He gives Jared’s arm one last squeeze and then pulls his hand back. “I didn’t mean… My name’s Jensen, by the way.”

“Jared,” Jared tells him, starting to relax again. Except for his libido. That part most certainly doesn’t relax. “So… was there something you came in here for?”

It’s not a huge bookstore, not a chain and really, besides the most popular recent books, their collection is pretty eclectic. The customers that come in are mostly locals looking for the latest number one or treasure hunters in search of that elusive edition of some rare author or other.

Honestly, Jared’s more into a good top-selling mystery (or occasionally a Harlequin, which is a secret he’ll take to his grave) so he can’t really speak to the quality of their inventory. You’d have to ask Misha about that.

Jensen’s eyes skirt down Jared’s chest, land on his crotch and move back up again.

“Go out with me.”

“Yes,” Jared says automatically, the word coming out before he’s even thought it through.

Jensen smiles and licks his lips.

“Great. You like Italian? Because I can get us reservations tonight at…”

“Shit,” Jared interrupts. “Sorry, I can’t.”

“But…”

“No, no, I don’t mean… I just meant not tonight. I’m here until ten so…”

“Tomorrow then,” Jensen suggests, angling his head so that his chin almost rests on Jared’s shoulder, as if he’s sharing a secret and Jared has a mini orgasm in his pants. “I’ll pick you up here at six?”

“Yeah,” he agrees. “Yeah, tomorrow.”

Jensen leaves without bothering to look for a book and Jared doesn’t even notice that maybe that’s a little weird.

***

For their first date, Jensen takes Jared out for ziti and a bottle of ’86 Bordeaux. The conversation is easy, the view across the table is spectacular and Jensen doesn’t do more than quirk his lips when Jared orders seconds of the garlic bread and eats the entire basket on his own.

Jensen is perfect.

He’s funny and sweet and smart and Jared learns that he doesn’t actually read all that much recreationally, but he does enjoy movies. He works for a publishing company editing public high school textbooks and sometimes he rewords certain passages for optimal humour. He has a house that’s bigger than he needs and his favourite television show is The Twilight Zone and he used to be a pretty damn good football player during his college years.

He doesn’t like wine, Jared learns, when Jensen takes only two sips from his cup before blushing red and ordering a mug of draft from the waitress. Jared takes Jensen’s glass and puts it front of his own plate without a word.

“I’m more a beer type of guy,” Jensen apologises. “I know it doesn’t really buy me any points so I usually try first with the wine. And hey, even if I don’t drink it, I know how to order. That’s got to be worth something, right?”

Jared’s smile grows as Jensen’s blush deepens. Damn, he’s falling already, and they haven’t even had dessert yet. So much for caution.

Jensen drives him home after they’ve eaten and despite Jared’s protests, he even gets out of the car and walks him to his door. Well, the main door to his apartment building, anyway. Jensen holds his hand on the way up the walk and when they stop under the spotlight next to the padlocked door Jensen gives it a squeeze before letting go.

“Thanks, Jensen,” Jared says with a smile, takes a breath and tries not to make the mistake of inviting Jensen in, of moving this along too quickly. That never ends well and with Jensen he really wants it to end well. He could be it, Jared thinks. Jensen could really be it for him and he needs to do this right. “I had a great time.”

“Me too,” Jensen says, returning his smile and he leans in for a kiss.

A kiss can’t hurt, Jared’s pretty sure, so he tilts his head, opens his lips just barely and lets Jensen close his mouth down over Jared’s. Jensen’s lips are softer than they look (and they look pretty damn soft) and they use just the right amount of pressure. They pucker and relax, coax Jared’s own open even further and then Jensen slides his tongue inside, slick and full and un-fucking-believable over the inside of Jared’s upper lip.

It’s slow and sensual and when Jensen’s tongue finally plunges fully into Jared’s mouth his hand grips the back of Jared’s head and pulls him in close, pressing them together so Jared splits his lip on Jensen’s teeth. Jared just moans, wraps his fingers around Jensen’s hips and yanks him close so that he feel the outline of Jensen’s half hard cock against his own growing erection.

“Jesus,” he pants when they finally break free, Jensen’s mouth chasing his for two more chaste kisses on the corner of his mouth. “Okay!”

He laughs slightly, licks his lips and wipes the corner of his mouth with the pad of his thumb.

“Damn, that was…” Pretty much the best kiss he’s ever had, is what it was.

“Yeah,” Jensen agrees, and there goes that adorable flush again. Shit, Jared is so gone it’s not even funny. “It was. Invite me up?”

“I uh… I don’t really think that’s such a great idea,” Jared says apologetically, eyes droopy and mouth pulled into a regretful frown.

“Why not?” Jensen asks. It’s sharp, the question, words bit out like an accusation and Jared thinks he sees Jensen’s eyes flash a dark, angry shade of their usual sweet green.

Anything Jared had planned on telling him, anything about how Jared doesn’t want to rush into things, about how he wants to move slowly with Jensen because he thinks this could actually turn into something… all of that disappears with that look.

Instead he shrugs and backs up slightly, lets his fingers rest over the keypad so he’s ready to key in his entrance code. “Early morning,” he lies. “I’m sorry, man. Really. Maybe we could do this again though?” Despite the weird feeling he’s getting from Jensen all of a sudden, he really does want that.

Jensen’s jaw ticks ever so slightly but then his face softens and he steps in to place one last kiss to Jared’s jaw before pulling back.

“I’d really like that,” he says. “How about Saturday afternoon? I’ll pick you up here at two.”

“That sounds… That sounds perfect.”

Jensen gives him a winning grin and turns to head back to his car.

Jared goes upstairs and jerks off thinking about Jensen’s mouth.

***

On their second date Jensen takes Jared to the park near his house to toss the football around. Jensen’s as good as he claimed to be the other night and Jared gets tackled more than once. It’s possible he lets it happen a time or two and it’s possible Jensen knows that, but when he’s lying flat on his back with Jensen straddling his waist and Jensen’s nose pressed up against his with both of them gasping for breath and laughing, that’s entirely okay with him.

After three hours of working up a sweat (and an appetite – for more than just food, not that Jared’s ready for that) Jensen jogs out to his car and comes back with a picnic basket full of sandwiches, orange juice and homemade chocolate chip cookies.

Jared takes his first bite of roast beef on rye and falls just a little more in love with Jensen than he had after the ziti.

The entire day is like a scene from a cheesy movie, start to finish rom-com. From the dog stealing their football, to Jensen licking cookie crumbs from Jared’s fingers, right down to the park sprinklers coming on and soaking them through while Jensen kisses Jared up against the wide trunk of a sycamore.

They laugh as they pack up the remainder of their dinner and make a run for the shelter of Jensen’s Subaru.

They’re wet when they get there and they make out for half an hour before Jensen starts the car and drives him home. Jensen tries a couple of times to stuff a hand down Jared’s pants, but they’re still in the middle of the park for fuck’s sake, so Jared doesn’t feel too guilty about subverting his attempts to take this thing further than first base.

The publicity isn’t the only reason he wants to keep it in his pants, not even the most important reason, but Jensen lets it go with a soft sigh and a crack of his neck as he shifts into reverse.

“How ‘bout I take you out next time?” Jared asks when they pull up outside his apartment. “Pay you back. Only fair, right?”

Jensen’s face doesn’t light up like Jared wants and Jared can only assume that’s because once again he’s not inviting him in.

“I don’t know,” Jensen says, eyes sort of narrowed and colder than they’ve been all day. “I’m gonna be pretty busy at work for the next little while. The new text copies have to be in to the printers soon. Don’t know if I’ll have time. Especially since you don’t really seem that into me, man.”

“Please,” Jared says. He can recognise a brush-off when he sees one but he can sort of understand. A year ago he probably wouldn’t have bothered to go out on a second date, much less a third, with someone who didn’t seem interested in something more physical. He just needs Jensen to give him a chance and once Jensen’s in love with him, Jensen will be happy to wait.

Of course, once Jensen’s in love with him Jared won’t want to wait, so that’s kind of a moot point.

“They’re having a Godzilla marathon at the drive-in out on highway 8 next weekend. What do you say?”

***

Jared picks Jensen up in his Camri on Friday for their third date and when they’re half way through Godzilla Vs Mechagodzilla Jensen is straddling Jared’s waist in the driver’s seat and his mouth is attached to Jared’s neck as he sucks a deep purple bruise into the skin.

Jensen grinds against him, gets them both hard and skitters his fingers underneath the waistband of Jared’s pants. But before his fingers can brush over the tip of Jared’s dick Jared jerks back against the seat, puts his hands on Jensen’s chest to put some distance between them.

“Dude,” Jared says, smiling slightly and breathing heavily as he tries to get his heartbeat under control. “We’re sort of missing the movie.”

“Believe it or not, I didn’t actually come here to watch the movie,” Jensen tells him, moving back in to capture Jared’s mouth again.

“Mmph,” Jared mumbles, turns his head and pushes Jensen back with a little more force. “Seriously, man. I’m having a great time. But this should maybe wait for somewhere a little more private. Can we just… cool it for now?”

“Shit, Jared,” Jensen curses as he gets off Jared’s lap and sits back down in the passenger seat. He looks out his window and then Jared’s, the front and the back. “It’s not like anybody is watching us. Do you have any idea what you do to me, man? I’m going crazy here.”

“Jensen, I’m sorry. Soon, okay? I promise. Just… not here. Not now. Okay?”

“Yeah,” Jensen agrees on a harsh exhale. “Yeah, fine. You want something from the concession? I need to hit the head.”

“No, I’m…” Jared starts and then Jensen is out of the car with the door slamming behind him. “…good.”

***

On their fourth date Jared invites Jensen to his place.

It might be a mistake. He’s still not ready for what Jensen obviously wants and the fact that Jensen seems to be going after it so aggressively only makes Jared more hesitant. This waiting, it’s supposed to make things better. It’s supposed to make him sure, make them sure about each other so that they know they’re meant to be when they finally have sex and it can be the best sex ever and they can live happily ever after.

Jared’s planned this out. He knows how it works but the Jensen he’d planned it out with, the Jensen from that first day in the bookstore, he seems to be conspicuously absent at the most crucial times. Instead of the laughing, laid back Jensen with kind eyes and soft hands, he gets impatient Jensen, with rough, probing fingers and tense shoulders and a hard line to his mouth.

Jared wants to do it, he does. He just wants to be sure, because so far he’s had some pretty shitty post-coital luck.

Still, they don’t have to have sex for them to eat pizza and watch season four of Weeds and get sloppy on a pitcher of mojitos.

The problem, maybe, is that they get a little too sloppy. Or at least Jared does.

He’s flat on his back on the couch in his living room with Jensen between his legs. Jensen’s kissing him (and he’s still the best kisser ever) and bucking up against him with a hand up under his shirt and splayed across his lower back.

Jared moans slightly, gasps at how good it feels and Jensen takes that as encouragement and slips his hand down, pushes his fingers under Jared’s waistband and slides the tip of one between his cheeks.

Jared’s legs spread further for a moment, his body reacting unchecked, before he remembers that this isn’t what he wants, not yet and he scrambles up so that he’s sitting with his back against the armrest and Jensen is staring at him dumbly for a few seconds, wondering what just happened.

“Jared… what… what’s wrong?” Jensen sounds breathless, his eyes are glazed over with lust and Jared can still feel the hard outline of Jensen’s cock pressing into his shin.

“I just…” Jared says, shaking his head a little as he manoeuvres his legs so that his feet are both on the floor in front of him and Jensen is still sort of kneeling on the middle cushion, facing him. He blushes, he knows he does, because he knows how stupid this sounds. “I think maybe we should take this slow. I want you, Jensen. I do. I just… I want to get to know you better first. Does that… does that make any sense?”

“What the hell, Jared?” Jensen bites out, adjusts so that he’s sitting with a little more stability and puts and additional foot of space between them. “We have been getting to know each other. And I’ve been pretty damn patient so far. Fuck, man. It’s not like you’re a virgin or anything, so what gives?”

Jared bristles at Jensen’s tone, at his words and his heart clenches because who the hell is this? What happened to Jensen from the park who made him laugh and put together the best roast beef sandwiches Jared had ever tasted and admitted that he calls his mother every Sunday?

This is wrong. This is all wrong. Jensen is supposed to be the one. He’s supposed to understand, supposed to smile when Jared tells him he wants to slow it down a little and he’s supposed to hold Jared’s hand after while they make out and talk about their favourite movies.

He’s not supposed to get pissed off and make Jared feel bad for not bending over at the first sign that Jensen’s in the mood.

“How the hell do you know if I’m a virgin or not?” Jared asks, fighting the urge to wrap his arms around his middle, protect himself.

“You’re not, are you?” Jensen snaps, his lip curled up in an ugly sneer.

“Not that it’s any of your business, but no. And you didn’t know that. Also it’s pretty shitty of you to be putting all this pressure on just because you’ve got a boner that won’t go away.”

Jensen sighs and his jaw ticks. “Look, Jared. I don’t understand this whole ‘hard to get’ shit you’re playing at. I know it’s not you.”

“How do you know that?” Jared asks, feeling cold because Jensen’s right. It’s not him. It wasn’t him until he met Jensen anyway, and fell halfway to in love inside of five seconds.

“A couple of my friends have… dated you.”

“What?” Jared asks, his voice low and quiet, almost a whisper. What the hell is Jensen talking about?

“Well,” Jensen snorts. “Not so much dated as fucked you within thirty minutes of meeting you, so… Yeah. I knew you were pretty far from virgin when we started this thing.”

“So that’s why you asked me out in the first place?” Jared asks, caught between flabbergasted and outraged. “Because you thought I was easy?”

“No. I asked you out because I thought you were hot. That’s the truth. I kept asking you out after that because I had a great time with you and I like you. I just…” Jensen pauses and closes his eyes, looks toward the ceiling and then back to Jared. “What am I doing wrong here that you’ll sleep with pretty much anyone else before the fuckin’ cheque comes, but here we are, practically boyfriends, and I get nowhere? I thought you liked me too.”

“I do like you, Jensen,” Jared admits. “But right now I’m having a hard time remembering why that is. I think maybe you should leave.”

“Yeah,” Jensen agrees sharply, stands up and nods when Jared follows him to the door. “Sure.”

***

Jared doesn’t hear from Jensen after that.

Not until he runs into him at a night club, where Jensen has some other man attached to his neck like a friggin’ lamprey. They’re dancing and Jared spots them through the crowd, grinds his teeth and turns away. He makes his way to the bar where he orders a rum and coke and he’s halfway through it when someone taps him on the shoulder.

He knows who it is, so he doesn’t bother turning around. Just tenses, stiffens and takes another sip.

“Jared,” he hears Jensen say into his ear, shouting to be heard over the thump of the music.

Jared still ignores him. It’s hard, he’s not going to lie. He really does like Jensen.

“Jared, come on,” Jensen says, his lips pressing against the shell of Jared’s ear with the words as he crowds in behind him, places a hand on Jared’s hip and presses his front to Jared’s back. “Talk to me.”

“About what?” Jared asks, but turns anyway. Rests his lower back against the bar and suppresses a shiver when Jensen inches closer. “Won’t your friend be wondering where you are?”

“Who?” Jensen asks with narrowed brows, before he turns his head to follow Jared’s gaze and his eyes land on the guy he’d been dancing with a minute ago. “Nah. He’s… nobody.”

Jared snorts at that. He sort of knows the feeling.

“Look, Jared, I’m sorry,” Jensen says and the way his eyes turn down at the corners and how they go wide and his lips get fuller sort of all make Jared really think he is. “I acted like a dick. I should never have listened to my friends and I shouldn’t even care what they say about you because you’re so much better than them. Give me another chance?”

“Why should I?” Jared asks.

“Because there’s something here, between us. We both know it and it could be fucking amazing”, Jensen tells him. He smiles then, still that same hint of teeth visible between perfect lips and he ducks his head closer to Jared. “And Because I give killer head,” he teases and Jared can’t help but bark out a laugh.

“One more chance,” Jared tells him and then he moans quietly as Jensen’s fingers tease over his inner thigh.

“Tomorrow,” Jensen growls, bites down on Jared’s earlobe with blunt teeth and Jared starts to get hard. He tries his best to hide his body’s reaction but Jensen must feel it because he chuckles lightly and nips at Jared’s jaw. “Dinner at my place. I’ll cook.”

Jared leaves shortly after that and hopes that Jensen doesn’t think this means he’s going to put out. He is, he thinks. Probably. But he doesn’t want to have to.

He shrugs it off and jerks himself to orgasm in the shower, picturing Jensen on his knees giving him some of that killer head he’d bragged about. By the time he falls asleep that night, he’s loose and happy and looking forward to tomorrow.

***

There’s steak. There’s steak and baked potatoes and sour cream – and not just regular sour cream, but like, epically awesome super sour cream with some combination of herbs and spices that Jared can’t pick out but taste fucking incredible – and for dessert there’s triple layer chocolate cake and vanilla ice cream.

It’s pretty much the best meal Jared’s had since last time he’d been home to visit his parents and the conversation is much better than he’d ever gotten there. They flirt, sly comments and slight grins, soft touches and thinly veiled innuendo.

Jensen teases him and Jared teases back, they turn on the radio and talk for over an hour on Jensen’s couch and every time Jared turns up his bottle and finds it empty, Jensen immediately gets up to get him another.

Jared tries to protest, tell Jensen he’s had enough, but Jensen never listens. Whatever. By his count he’s only at five and he know it takes a good three or four more before things start to get ugly. Besides, he doesn’t want to look like a light weight in front of Jensen, who’s easily matching him drink for drink.

In between all the talking and drinking, there is kissing. A lot of kissing. It’s soft, at first. Nice and it makes Jared feel warm. Makes him dizzy with lust and contentment and Jared feels like maybe he’d be able to just stay right here and kiss Jensen for ever.

Then Jensen presses him back against the couch, traps Jared between the plush cushions and Jensen’s body and Jared feels a momentary flash of panic, like maybe this isn’t such a good idea. Jensen’s sill kissing him though, a slick trail of lips and tongue down his neck and it still feels really fucking good and Jared doesn’t really protest much.

He’s even dizzier now, the alcohol kicking in and adding to the rush of blood from his head to his cock that goes along with Jensen’s fingers tickling over his stomach and ribs, circling a nipple and pinching.

It makes sense that he can’t quite see straight, can’t quite think straight, what with his brain being located in his dick at the moment.

Except that when Jensen reaches between his legs and squeezes his cock, Jared looks down and realises that that’s not the case. He’s not hard. It doesn’t make any sense. He wants to be hard, he does. Everything that Jensen is doing feels so damn good, but… But he’s not responding.

He feels disembodied almost, when he thinks about it. He can’t get hard and he can’t really feel much of anything, just watches Jensen paw at him and wishes he could respond but he can’t and Jensen seems to be getting increasingly frustrated and Jared hates this. It doesn’t feel like any drunk he’s ever had before and after only six beers he should be a lot more in control than this.

“Ngh,” he says, when he’d meant to say ‘Stop’. It doesn’t make any sense, this heaviness in his limbs, this pressure on his chest. “Agh.”

He tries to grab Jensen’s arms, push him away, but his hands sort of ineffectually bump against Jensen’s forearms, limp and useless while Jensen works a hand down the front of his pants.

He moans slightly, an unpleasant kind of moan and his tongue feels too big for his mouth. He feels sloppy and impotent and he manages to shake his head a few times while Jensen pulls him up from the couch so they’re both standing. He’s saying no. He means no. But Jensen doesn’t see that.

“Let’s move this to the bedroom, hm?” Jensen says and Jared thinks he actually manages to mumble the word ‘no’ a few times, but he’s not really making a lot of sense, even in his own head, so he can’t be sure.

“Mmm, yeah. Just hold on a minute, baby,” Jensen coos at him as they stumble down the hall, Jensen holding up Jared’s mostly limp frame while he presses gentle kisses to Jared’s neck and rests his hand over Jared’s groin. “Perfect. Let’s get these clothes off.”

Jared’s pretty sure he doesn’t want that so he tries again to push Jensen away when they fall together to the bed and Jensen starts to undress them. It doesn’t work. Jensen just laughs, kisses Jared’s chest as he pulls his shirt up over his head and holds Jared’s hands flat to the bed to stop them from moving.

Jensen smiles down at him, licks his tongue over Jared’s lips and that feels good even in the face of everything else and Jared can’t help but open his mouth in invitation. He must be sending off signals he’s unaware of, Jensen must be reading something here that Jared doesn’t intend, but Jared’s so fucking drunk right now that he can’t really do anything about it.

It’s okay, mostly. It’s not ideal, but Jensen is gentle, kisses his lips, his neck, all the way down to his belly button and Jensen’s tongue dips into it as he rids Jared of his pants so that he’s completely naked underneath Jensen.

He’s still not hard, he notices, but it doesn’t seem to bother Jensen. He wishes he had the coordination to reciprocate at the moment, because even though he’d rather have waited, Jensen seems to be doing everything he can to make Jared feel good and all Jared can do is lie there, limp and murmuring.

He blinks when Jensen sits up to strip out of his own clothes and his hands paw vaguely at Jensen’s thighs when he crawls up next to Jared and flips him over.

“God, Jared,” Jensen praises, licks up the back of Jared’s neck and around his earlobe. “So fucking beautiful. Amazing. You’re amazing.”

Jared’s caught between wanting to tell Jensen that he’s amazing too and wanting to tell him to stop and wait so that they can do this when Jared is fully aware, when he can participate and reciprocate. When he’s ready.

But the next thing Jared is aware of is a blunt pressure at his hole and his glazed eyes manage to focus enough so that he can see that he’s face down in Jensen’s pillow with his knees bent and pushed up under his stomach. Jensen’s hands are on his hips and Jared feels a mildly pleasant hum through his lower half as Jensen fucks into him, does it over and over, but it’s still not enough to get him hard.

He’s almost as disappointed in that as he is that he’d agreed to fuck Jensen in the first place. He can’t stop a silent tear from falling when he thinks about how this should have been, how they should have both been sober and Jensen should have blushed and asked if Jared was sure and Jared should have laughed and told him that they’d waited long enough.

It should have been… more.

It’s not though, and he feels unconsciousness not so slowly creeping up on him. He lets it come, welcomes it and he passes out to a harsh rocking motion and far off litany of praises from Jensen’s mouth, a slight feeling of motion sickness and a dozen repetitions of “Jared, yes, right there, so perfect for me, such a good boy.”

He’s not though. He’s not good at all.

***

When he wakes up in the morning he has to fight the urge the throw up. Jensen probably wouldn’t appreciate a bed full of vomit and Jared certainly doesn’t want to puke all over himself. He takes a few deep breaths, relaxes into Jensen’s arms and wills his stomach to settle.

Then he remembers what happened last night, all at once it comes back and he feels sick all over again. He’s still fuzzy on the details, still doesn’t know what made him agree to the sex and still feels vaguely dirty about the way it went down but he’s here, with Jensen, with Jensen’s hand on his stomach and Jensen’s sleep-slackened mouth pressed to the tip of his spine and he knows that it should feel good.

A couple of weeks ago he’d literally dreamed of waking up like this so he pushes it all down, tries to still the rapid beating of his heart and covers Jensen’s hand with his own when it starts to move over his abdominal muscles, letting him know Jensen’s awake.

“Mornin’, babe,” Jensen rasps out, voice hoarse from sex and sleep. It does things to Jared, makes him shiver and sends a twitch through his cock.

“Uh… Good… good morning,” Jared answers, forcing himself to stay relaxed. “Jensen… last night. It… we…” God, he doesn’t even know what he wants to say, and even if he did he wouldn’t know where to start.

“Last night was beautiful,” Jensen tells him, rolls Jared over so that Jensen is leaning over him, pressing kisses to the side of his mouth. “It was perfect and it was beautiful and I just… Thank you, Jared. Thank you so much for sharing that with me.”

“I…”

“Shhh,” Jensen cuts him off with a peck to the tip of his nose and a smile. “I’m gonna go make breakfast. You like pancakes?”

“Yeah,” Jared answers, because he does. And Jensen is acting so fucking frustratingly normal this morning that Jared feels like he’s going crazy. That all that weird shit from last night had to be in his head because if it was real, if it happened, then Jensen would feel it too. But he doesn’t, so it can’t be real. It can’t be. “Pancakes are good.”

***

Jensen makes a habit of waking him up with pancakes every Sunday morning from then on.

END