posted by ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rockstarpeach at 06:07pm on 12/01/2011 under character: castiel, character: dean winchester, character: sam winchester, fic - spn: shootin' you straight
rockstarpeach at 06:07pm on 12/01/2011 under character: castiel, character: dean winchester, character: sam winchester, fic - spn: shootin' you straightOkay, so this is it! The end is finally here. There will likely be an epilogue, but I hope you all had as much fun with this fic as I did :) Even if I am a big huge girl. Shut up.
Title: Shootin' You Straight (Part 7/7)
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
rockstarpeach
Rating: Adult
Genre and/or Pairing: Dean/Cas, AU
Spoilers: None
Warnings: None
Word Count: 35,000 total, 3,800 this chapter
Summary: Dean Winchester is in a band and Castiel is a fan. Not of the music, of Dean. An opportunity presents itself one night after a concert and Castiel can’t pass up the chance of a lifetime. It's not perfect, but this is their story.
A/N: Previous Parts here.
Castiel spends the week following his break-up with Dean perfecting his recipe for white chocolate caramel blondies. It’s not as easy as you might think, so whatever left of his time after work and lunches with Anna and midnight pastries with Balthazar is spent in his kitchen. It’s a long week, exhausting and mind-numbing, but two good things come out of it.
One, is that by the end of Thursday, he’s got a fridge full of orgasm-inducing desserts. Seriously, they’re that good – the secret is to make the caramel filling with white sugar and the blondies themselves with light brown sugar. That, and to beat the eggs separately before adding them in.
The second good thing, is that it helps to take his mind off Dean. There are times, hours in a row even, when he doesn’t think of Dean at all.
He still thinks he did the right thing in ending the affair, but that knowledge doesn’t stop the ache, the hollow feeling in his chest whenever he’s idle.
Gabriel takes him out that Friday night. They’re at one of the tackiest gay bars Castiel has ever been to (not that he’s been to many) and when Castiel brushes off the fourth guy who’d offered to buy in a drink in the past hour, Gabriel sighs impatiently and rolls his eyes.
“Cas, you need to get laid.”
“I’ve had plenty of sex lately, Gabriel,” Castiel answers tightly and throws back another shot of something pink and fruity, leaving the empty glass on the table with a dozen or so others. “But thank you for your concern.”
“You need to rebound,” Gabriel tells him. “You need to sleep with someone you normally wouldn’t even talk to and wake up in the morning regretting every minute of it, so that you can feel like shit about something that’s not Dean fucking Winchester.”
“Gabriel, I’m…”
“If you tell me you’re fine one more time, Cas, I won’t be responsible for my actions. Now shut up, have another drink, and go stick it in the next guy that comes over.”
Castiel does all three and when he wakes up the next morning, hung over and naked in a stranger’s bed, he has to admit that Gabriel was right. He’s not thinking about Dean anymore.
That lasts for about as long as it takes him to get home and shower the smell of sex off him.
It hasn’t been that long since Castiel was last in love with someone, but he doesn’t ever remember it being this painful.
***
He doesn’t expect the text message from Dean when it comes on Sunday afternoon.
Sam lost his shoe. It fell down a sewer and now he has to walk back four blocks to the hotel in his sock. You should see his face! Fucking priceless.
And then two minutes later, another.
Sorry. Forgot for a minute.
***
He takes to keeping up with Dean, with the band, through public channels, reading about them in the paper or on the internet. Celebrity gossip sites and Youtube have become his best friends and he’s even started to check out some fan sites. It’s probably extremely unhealthy, this near obsession that he’s developed, this need to know where Dean is, how his shows are going, how he looks, what he’s wearing, but it’s not as if any of his other hobbies are raging successes.
He’s lousy at knitting and Russian it turns out, but he’s very good at stalking Dean from afar.
Besides, it doesn’t get in the way of the rest of his life; he got the promotion at work, he’s started up regular Wednesday dinners with Balthazar, he still meets with his siblings regularly and his apartment is clean. He’s even been on a couple of dates, not that he’s planning on seeing either of those men ever again.
It’s on a particularly gloomy Saturday afternoon, thunder clapping outside and rain beating down against his window while he’s idly browsing the internet for news on Dean and the rest of the band, that Castiel learns about Wincest.
It turns out that there’s a subset of 12 Gauge’s fan base that actually believes that Dean and Sam are sleeping with one another. Some of them even write detailed pornographic stories about their hypothetical incestuous relationship and post them online for others to read.
Castiel reads two of them and can’t decide whether he’s disgusted or intrigued. Two things he does know, though, are that Dean would never, ever speak the lines of dialogue the first author claims, and that the position the second author has them in isn’t physically possible.
He closes his browser and makes a note never to go back to that site again.
***
Another week goes by and Castiel’s Russian has improved slightly. So has his knitting but he’s given up completely on the needlepoint. And dating. It’s been three days since he’s checked up on Dean, and he feels like he should maybe get one of those tokens, like at AA meetings.
***
You know what, Cas? Fuck this. I miss you.
***
Castiel has to work late Wednesday night and Gabriel hangs around in his office alternately making fun of him and fiddling with his PSP, while sprawled out in the guest chair. It’s past ten o’clock and he’s just packing up when his phone chirps.
Can you… Can you just call me? Please.
Castiel doesn’t answer. He can’t, because he knows how that goes. He’ll hear Dean’s voice, he’ll fall all over again and it’s not as if he’s come very far in his attempt to get over Dean, but it’s far enough and he doesn’t want to start from the beginning again.
Nothing has changed, they still want different things, and it isn’t fair to either of them to pretend any different.
***
Gabriel meets a girl named Kali and he insists that she’s the one. Castiel gets introduced to her when Gabriel asks him and Anna to join them for dinner and Castiel can’t help but agree wholeheartedly
They’re perfect for each other. He’s happy for his brother but at the same time he wants to murder him in his sleep, because it’s not fair that he gets to by happy while Castiel is miserable. Mostly, he’s happy for Gabriel though. It’s about time he found someone.
***
Fine, have it your way.
***
Castiel thinks that’s the end, that Dean will leave him alone and he’ll mourn the loss and move on. Find someone he connects with who’s actually good for him, fall in love, settle down and be happy.
It’s really just beginning.
***
You should see this room. We’ve had nice rooms before, but holy fuck.
***
Adam forgot his girlfriend’s birthday. He’s in so much shit. Poor guy. Sam’s laughing his ass off.
***
We got this cold cut platter for lunch with tiny little pieces of bread… Sam and Adam re-enacted the scene from ‘This Is Spinal Tap’. How am I related to them?
***
Adam and Christian are sick with bronchitis. Our show sucked ass today.
***
For weeks this goes on, text messages from Dean about his day, what he’s doing, his family and his job. Castiel never answers and even thinks about changing his phone number, but never seriously. In truth, he likes it. Likes that Dean is still thinking about him, because he’s still thinking about Dean. Every single day.
***
Christian was actually cool today. Sometimes I don’t really mind the guy.
***
Sometimes I wonder what I’d be doing right now if it wasn’t this. I’ve kind of always wanted to be a fireman.
***
We’re back in Lawrence tonight. Last show of the tour. I’ll leave a couple tickets for you at will call, just in case. I’d really like you to be there.
***
Castiel already has tickets to the show. He’s been planning on going with Anna for at least a month. He doesn’t tell Dean that though, and he feels a little guilty when the show comes and goes and the tickets Dean left for him go unclaimed.
***
Anna’s at his apartment on a Sunday afternoon. They’ve just finished lunch and are half way through a game of Scrabble when there’s a knock on the door. Castiel finishes laying the word ‘CLAVICLE’ in beige squares across the board and gets up to answer. He’s not expecting anybody.
If he’d bothered to look through the peephole first he might not have opened the door, but he didn’t so he does. He’s proud of himself for how calm he is when he sees Dean standing on the other side, for ignoring the way his body seizes up and his heart comes to a near stop in his chest.
He’d be even prouder if he was able to form any actual words, or move in any way.
“Cas,” Dean greets after a beat. “Can I uh… can I come in?”
Castiel seems to regain motor function just as he hears Anna’s voice from behind him.
“Cas?” she asks. “Who is it?” and Castiel steps back to allow Dean entrance.
“Holy…” Anna says, and stands up from the floor where she’d been sitting opposite Castiel around the coffee table. “Dean Winchester? Seriously? What are…”
Castiel sighs and shuts the door behind Dean, moving out of the way so he can step further into the apartment. “Dean this is my sister Anna,” he says, gesturing from one to the other. “Anna this is Dean. Winchester, obviously.”
Dean smiles politely at Anna and her eyes go even wider. “Oh my God,” she almost whispers this time, then looks from Dean to Castiel. “You know Dean Winchester?”
“Yeah,” Dean says bitterly, after an awkward moment of silence that Castiel is reluctant to break. He wouldn’t even know where to start. “He used me for sex for a while, but then a better offer came along.”
Anna’s mouth actually drops open at that and Castiel’s eyes narrow and go hard. He takes a step closer to Dean, stiffens his jaw and stares him down and he’s pleased when Dean blinks and shuffles back a little, eyes skittering away.
“That is not what happened and you know it. If you can’t at least be civil, please leave.”
“Yeah,” Dean says, clears his throat and his fingers twitch at his sides. “Uh, sorry.”
“What do you want, Dean?”
Dean takes a deep breath and looks at Castiel with a mixture of so much vulnerability and determination, but then he glances over to Anna and smiles crookedly. “Hey Anna?” he asks, and she nearly swoons at Dean’s mention of her name. “Do you think you could give us a few minutes?”
Anna, bless her heart, looks to Castiel uncertainly, asking silent permission. She doesn’t want to go if he needs her.
“It’s alright, Anna,” he says softly, one corner of his mouth turning up in a partial, reassuring grin. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“You better,” she warns, before she kisses him on the cheek and grabs her coat and purse from the rack by the door. “I want details, Cas.”
“It was nice to uh… meet you,” Dean offers and Castiel can feel the discomfort radiating off him as he leans in to kiss his sister on her temple. It’s a sweet gesture, one that makes Anna let out a soft squeal and makes Castiel’s heart soften. He’s in trouble here, he knows that. “I’m sorry if I came across as kind of a jackass.”
“What do you want, Dean,” Castiel asks when the door shuts behind his sister. He tries to keep his voice hard, keep up the front he’s been working on since the last time he saw Dean.
Dean takes that same deep breath again, filling them both with anticipation, only this time he follows it through with words.
“You’re wrong.”
“Excuse me?”
“And you’re an asshole.”
“Dean…”
“You’re wrong. That I don’t know how to love. I love Sam. I love Adam. I loved my parents and I’ve even loved a couple of girlfriends. I’ve been in loving, committed relationships and I’m not saying that it one hundred percent for sure would have worked out with you, but you’re an asshole for not even giving me the chance to try.”
Castiel knows that Dean is right about that, but Castiel was right too, when he made the decision. “I was trying to spare us both the hurt,” he says, and as the words tumble out, he realises how entirely stupid he was. They’re both obviously hurting anyway.
“No,” Dean disagrees. “You were being a coward. You never once told me what you wanted. You never once said you wanted more from me than what we had. God, Cas, I was happy. I thought you were too. But you weren’t, and you just decided you couldn’t have what you really wanted and left me. Out of the fucking blue. You’re an asshole. So you wanna know what I want? What I need?”
Probably not, Castiel thinks. “What?”
“You told me that night that you needed stability, commitment. Well I don’t, you were right about that. I don’t need those things, not right now. I don’t even know for sure that I can give you what you need from me, so you might end up being right about it all anyway, who knows? What I do know, is the thought of not having you, of never being with you again… Cas, it’s been eating me up inside. That’s not something I want to find out. I want you. And if those other things come along with you, well it’s not really up to you to tell me whether or not I can do it. It’s not up to you tell me I don’t care enough.”
Castiel feels his breath catch, feels light and heavy at the same time with the weight of Dean’s words. He wants to believe him, wants this to be their happily ever after but he’s not that stupid. He’s been here before.
But Dean’s right that Castiel was unfair. He knows Dean pretty well after all this time and if there’s one thing he knows it’s that Dean knows how to love. He’s loyal, he’s honest, he’s never once lied to Castiel. He’s pursued him relentlessly when Castiel gave him no reason to and now he’s standing in his living room asking for another chance when anyone else would have long forgotten him.
But Dean is also very human, very capable of making mistakes that would destroy Castiel and he can admit to himself that yes, he is a coward. Maybe too much of a coward to take that risk.
Because this is about more than just Dean’s ‘free love’ policy. There’s something else standing in their way. Something huge.
That problem gets put on the backburner for now though, because the way Dean’s looking at him, anger and frustration turning to heat and undisguised want, leaves Castiel’s resolve in tatters.
“Dean,” he says, takes two steps forward and covers Dean’s mouth with his own. “I don’t think we should be doing this.” He doesn’t, but it doesn’t stop him from running his tongue along Dean’s teeth.
“Tell me, Cas,” Dean pleads between kisses, hands wrapping around Castiel’s waist and moving up under his t-shirt. “Tell me we can try. That you’ll at least give us a chance.”
Castiel wants to, he really does. He can’t though, so he just kisses Dean again deeper, pulls him down the hall while they strip off their clothes.
“Gabriel caught a tadpole once. He put it in a jar in the yard but when he went inside for supper I brought it back to the creek and let it go,” Castiel says as he manoeuvres them through the bedroom door.
Dean jerks in his arms, lets out a shuddering breath and strokes Castiel’s cock a few times while he nibbles his bottom lip.
“Fuck, Cas. God, yes,” he says, sounds happy, relieved, strung out in a good way.
“I ran away from home when I was nine. My parents wouldn’t get me a dog and my mother packed me a sandwich for lunch. I spent the day on the swings at the park and came home for supper when I got hungry,” he tells Dean when Dean pushes him down on the bed and Dean’s eyes slide shut as he pushes Castiel’s legs aside and settles in between them.
“I make really good pizza,” he says and he flips them over, straddles Dean’s waist and reaches over to the table for a condom while Dean blinks up at him.
“Jesus, Cas. Gonna come before I even get in you.”
He can’t help himself then. He’s still not sure they’re not over and he can’t help himself. He slips the condom down over Dean’s hard cock and Dean moans under his touch, bucks his hips up and clutches at Castiel’s thighs until he lowers himself down onto Dean’s length.
“Yes. God yes, Cas, move. Please.”
Castiel complies, can’t possibly not, and when he’s set up a steady rhythm, hands on Dean’s chest to keep him steady, he starts talking again.
“I skipped the fourth grade.”
Dean groans and a hand slides over Castiel’s hip to grip his erection, starts to jerk it and Castiel`s rhythm falters. It feels good. It always feels good. Better than good and even better than that because it’s Dean, and it’s been too long.
“I had sex with a woman in college. It didn’t take.”
Dean whimpers and Castiel can tell he’s getting closer. That’s good, because Castiel isn’t going to last much longer. Dean looks unbelievable underneath him, spread out and willing, so sweet and beautiful and perfect, Castiel’s for the taking. He doesn’t think he’s ever felt so powerful, so strong. So in love.
“Everyone thinks I always get up early, but sometimes I stay in bed until noon and watch television.”
“Driving me crazy, man,” Dean pants, hips jerking and eyes screwed shut tight. “My dad caught me jerking off to a copy of Sports Illustrated when I was seventeen. He freaked out at first, but he was… Jesus, Cas, just like that… he was surprisingly cool when Sam came out a year later.”
Castiel stills then, not having expected that and he suddenly gets it. Gets why Dean loves it so much, the small insights into Castiel’s life, into who he is. It’s intoxicating, addictive, makes him feel closer to Dean than anyone else gets to be, even other people that fuck him, because they don’t know these things. They don’t know Dean like he does.
And nobody really knows him like Dean does. Not in the ways that matter to them.
He bucks up into Dean’s fist then, comes in spurts all over Dean’s stomach and the sight makes him twitch and shiver, slip back and sink down further onto Dean’s cock, draw out every last bit of pleasure he can.
He doesn’t wait, doesn’t bother to rest, just keeps pumping his hips up and down, coaxing Dean to that edge, the hard head of Dean’s prick pushing against his over-sensitive prostate. It’s too much and it’s not enough. It’s never enough.
“I go strawberry picking with Anna on a farm just outside town every spring. We make so much jam that we’re sick of it by winter, but we do it every year.” Only this time, that’s not what Dean’s looking for.
“Please, Cas,” Dean whispers, pulls Castiel down by his arm until Castiel’s chest is resting against Dean’s and Dean can speak into his mouth. “Please tell me we’re okay. That this isn’t the last time.”
“I love you,” Castiel whispers back, because that’s the best he can do right now, the barest hint of his breath passing over Dean’s lips. It’s not really an answer but that doesn’t seem to matter to Dean.
His hands move to Castiel’s hips, hold him tight and pull him down as Dean pushes up, half a dozen silted jerks and then he’s crying out, a wordless, needy sound as he spills inside Castiel’s body.
Castiel is better about it this time. Waits until they’re both recovered and cleaned up and dressed again (though those five minutes are incredibly awkward) before he leads Dean back out into the living room and picks their conversation up where it left off before Castiel’s dick took over.
“I’m a man, Dean,” he says, that one big thing still standing between them.
“Believe it or not, Cas,” Dean says, taking a sip from the glass of water Castiel had offered him, “I did notice that.”
Castiel partially returns the smile. “Could you really be with me?” he asks, getting to the point. “Give up women? Could you deal with the publicity that would go along with it?”
“I… I don’t know,” Dean says and Castiel again has to admire his honestly. “I just know that I miss you and you should have trusted me. You should have told me what you needed from me and given me the chance to give it to you.”
“Maybe I should have.” He takes a deep breath. “You’re right, I was scared. But can you blame me?”
Dean’s smile turns a little knowing at that.
“Not really, no,” he admits. “I know I wouldn’t exactly win any ‘boyfriend of the year’ contests. And yeah, maybe I’m not ready to see us in the tabloids, hear people talk about how Dean Winchester takes it up the ass.”
“Given my experience, you’ve never taken it up the ass,” Castiel says with a wry grin, tries to lighten the mood.
Dean snickers and tilts his head. “Maybe once or twice. But that’s not even the point. My point is that I don’t have to deal with that right now.”
“So… you don’t want us to be together?”
“No, that’s… Look, I’m not saying I know it’s gonna work out, but. We’re done touring. The band. And we’re taking some time off before we start working on our next album. That gives us plenty of time out of the public eye to work the non-long distance, ‘normal’ relationship thing, see how we do with it.”
It’s all Castiel can do to not pin Dean down and take him again, right now. He’s right. He’s absolutely right and Castiel can’t believe how he could have ever written this off as not even a possibility. Dean is trying. He’s trying harder than Castiel ever did to make this work and the least he owes this man is a chance. If he ends up broken-hearted, well then he’ll be no worse off than he is now, and Dean might surprise him. He might surprise himself.
“And in a couple of years,” Dean continues, and Castiel shakes himself out of the fantasy that’s currently running through his mind, Dean naked and spread out while Castiel licks him open until Dean begs for it, and tunes back in, “when I’m back on the road? If you and I are still… you know, you and I, we’ll deal with it then. I want you. Just you. And I’m not gonna start makin’ phone calls to the press or anything, but I want to try not to hide, at least from the people that matter. So, what do you say?”
“Why Dean Winchester,” Castiel asks, batting his eyelashes in a highly exaggerated move that makes him feel utterly ridiculous as he shifts closer to Dean on the couch. Dean barks out a sharp laugh and Castiel smiles in relief. “Are you asking me to go steady?”
“What if I am?” Dean asks, leaning closer so that his warm breath puffs out over Castiel’s cheek.
Castiel’s smile is too wide to even consider containing as he presses a quick kiss to Dean’s lips. Dean’s worth it, he reminds himself. They’re worth it. No matter what happens.
“Then the answer is yes.”
Epilogue
Title: Shootin' You Straight (Part 7/7)
Author:
rockstarpeach Rating: Adult
Genre and/or Pairing: Dean/Cas, AU
Spoilers: None
Warnings: None
Word Count: 35,000 total, 3,800 this chapter
Summary: Dean Winchester is in a band and Castiel is a fan. Not of the music, of Dean. An opportunity presents itself one night after a concert and Castiel can’t pass up the chance of a lifetime. It's not perfect, but this is their story.
A/N: Previous Parts here.
Castiel spends the week following his break-up with Dean perfecting his recipe for white chocolate caramel blondies. It’s not as easy as you might think, so whatever left of his time after work and lunches with Anna and midnight pastries with Balthazar is spent in his kitchen. It’s a long week, exhausting and mind-numbing, but two good things come out of it.
One, is that by the end of Thursday, he’s got a fridge full of orgasm-inducing desserts. Seriously, they’re that good – the secret is to make the caramel filling with white sugar and the blondies themselves with light brown sugar. That, and to beat the eggs separately before adding them in.
The second good thing, is that it helps to take his mind off Dean. There are times, hours in a row even, when he doesn’t think of Dean at all.
He still thinks he did the right thing in ending the affair, but that knowledge doesn’t stop the ache, the hollow feeling in his chest whenever he’s idle.
Gabriel takes him out that Friday night. They’re at one of the tackiest gay bars Castiel has ever been to (not that he’s been to many) and when Castiel brushes off the fourth guy who’d offered to buy in a drink in the past hour, Gabriel sighs impatiently and rolls his eyes.
“Cas, you need to get laid.”
“I’ve had plenty of sex lately, Gabriel,” Castiel answers tightly and throws back another shot of something pink and fruity, leaving the empty glass on the table with a dozen or so others. “But thank you for your concern.”
“You need to rebound,” Gabriel tells him. “You need to sleep with someone you normally wouldn’t even talk to and wake up in the morning regretting every minute of it, so that you can feel like shit about something that’s not Dean fucking Winchester.”
“Gabriel, I’m…”
“If you tell me you’re fine one more time, Cas, I won’t be responsible for my actions. Now shut up, have another drink, and go stick it in the next guy that comes over.”
Castiel does all three and when he wakes up the next morning, hung over and naked in a stranger’s bed, he has to admit that Gabriel was right. He’s not thinking about Dean anymore.
That lasts for about as long as it takes him to get home and shower the smell of sex off him.
It hasn’t been that long since Castiel was last in love with someone, but he doesn’t ever remember it being this painful.
***
He doesn’t expect the text message from Dean when it comes on Sunday afternoon.
Sam lost his shoe. It fell down a sewer and now he has to walk back four blocks to the hotel in his sock. You should see his face! Fucking priceless.
And then two minutes later, another.
Sorry. Forgot for a minute.
***
He takes to keeping up with Dean, with the band, through public channels, reading about them in the paper or on the internet. Celebrity gossip sites and Youtube have become his best friends and he’s even started to check out some fan sites. It’s probably extremely unhealthy, this near obsession that he’s developed, this need to know where Dean is, how his shows are going, how he looks, what he’s wearing, but it’s not as if any of his other hobbies are raging successes.
He’s lousy at knitting and Russian it turns out, but he’s very good at stalking Dean from afar.
Besides, it doesn’t get in the way of the rest of his life; he got the promotion at work, he’s started up regular Wednesday dinners with Balthazar, he still meets with his siblings regularly and his apartment is clean. He’s even been on a couple of dates, not that he’s planning on seeing either of those men ever again.
It’s on a particularly gloomy Saturday afternoon, thunder clapping outside and rain beating down against his window while he’s idly browsing the internet for news on Dean and the rest of the band, that Castiel learns about Wincest.
It turns out that there’s a subset of 12 Gauge’s fan base that actually believes that Dean and Sam are sleeping with one another. Some of them even write detailed pornographic stories about their hypothetical incestuous relationship and post them online for others to read.
Castiel reads two of them and can’t decide whether he’s disgusted or intrigued. Two things he does know, though, are that Dean would never, ever speak the lines of dialogue the first author claims, and that the position the second author has them in isn’t physically possible.
He closes his browser and makes a note never to go back to that site again.
***
Another week goes by and Castiel’s Russian has improved slightly. So has his knitting but he’s given up completely on the needlepoint. And dating. It’s been three days since he’s checked up on Dean, and he feels like he should maybe get one of those tokens, like at AA meetings.
***
You know what, Cas? Fuck this. I miss you.
***
Castiel has to work late Wednesday night and Gabriel hangs around in his office alternately making fun of him and fiddling with his PSP, while sprawled out in the guest chair. It’s past ten o’clock and he’s just packing up when his phone chirps.
Can you… Can you just call me? Please.
Castiel doesn’t answer. He can’t, because he knows how that goes. He’ll hear Dean’s voice, he’ll fall all over again and it’s not as if he’s come very far in his attempt to get over Dean, but it’s far enough and he doesn’t want to start from the beginning again.
Nothing has changed, they still want different things, and it isn’t fair to either of them to pretend any different.
***
Gabriel meets a girl named Kali and he insists that she’s the one. Castiel gets introduced to her when Gabriel asks him and Anna to join them for dinner and Castiel can’t help but agree wholeheartedly
They’re perfect for each other. He’s happy for his brother but at the same time he wants to murder him in his sleep, because it’s not fair that he gets to by happy while Castiel is miserable. Mostly, he’s happy for Gabriel though. It’s about time he found someone.
***
Fine, have it your way.
***
Castiel thinks that’s the end, that Dean will leave him alone and he’ll mourn the loss and move on. Find someone he connects with who’s actually good for him, fall in love, settle down and be happy.
It’s really just beginning.
***
You should see this room. We’ve had nice rooms before, but holy fuck.
***
Adam forgot his girlfriend’s birthday. He’s in so much shit. Poor guy. Sam’s laughing his ass off.
***
We got this cold cut platter for lunch with tiny little pieces of bread… Sam and Adam re-enacted the scene from ‘This Is Spinal Tap’. How am I related to them?
***
Adam and Christian are sick with bronchitis. Our show sucked ass today.
***
For weeks this goes on, text messages from Dean about his day, what he’s doing, his family and his job. Castiel never answers and even thinks about changing his phone number, but never seriously. In truth, he likes it. Likes that Dean is still thinking about him, because he’s still thinking about Dean. Every single day.
***
Christian was actually cool today. Sometimes I don’t really mind the guy.
***
Sometimes I wonder what I’d be doing right now if it wasn’t this. I’ve kind of always wanted to be a fireman.
***
We’re back in Lawrence tonight. Last show of the tour. I’ll leave a couple tickets for you at will call, just in case. I’d really like you to be there.
***
Castiel already has tickets to the show. He’s been planning on going with Anna for at least a month. He doesn’t tell Dean that though, and he feels a little guilty when the show comes and goes and the tickets Dean left for him go unclaimed.
***
Anna’s at his apartment on a Sunday afternoon. They’ve just finished lunch and are half way through a game of Scrabble when there’s a knock on the door. Castiel finishes laying the word ‘CLAVICLE’ in beige squares across the board and gets up to answer. He’s not expecting anybody.
If he’d bothered to look through the peephole first he might not have opened the door, but he didn’t so he does. He’s proud of himself for how calm he is when he sees Dean standing on the other side, for ignoring the way his body seizes up and his heart comes to a near stop in his chest.
He’d be even prouder if he was able to form any actual words, or move in any way.
“Cas,” Dean greets after a beat. “Can I uh… can I come in?”
Castiel seems to regain motor function just as he hears Anna’s voice from behind him.
“Cas?” she asks. “Who is it?” and Castiel steps back to allow Dean entrance.
“Holy…” Anna says, and stands up from the floor where she’d been sitting opposite Castiel around the coffee table. “Dean Winchester? Seriously? What are…”
Castiel sighs and shuts the door behind Dean, moving out of the way so he can step further into the apartment. “Dean this is my sister Anna,” he says, gesturing from one to the other. “Anna this is Dean. Winchester, obviously.”
Dean smiles politely at Anna and her eyes go even wider. “Oh my God,” she almost whispers this time, then looks from Dean to Castiel. “You know Dean Winchester?”
“Yeah,” Dean says bitterly, after an awkward moment of silence that Castiel is reluctant to break. He wouldn’t even know where to start. “He used me for sex for a while, but then a better offer came along.”
Anna’s mouth actually drops open at that and Castiel’s eyes narrow and go hard. He takes a step closer to Dean, stiffens his jaw and stares him down and he’s pleased when Dean blinks and shuffles back a little, eyes skittering away.
“That is not what happened and you know it. If you can’t at least be civil, please leave.”
“Yeah,” Dean says, clears his throat and his fingers twitch at his sides. “Uh, sorry.”
“What do you want, Dean?”
Dean takes a deep breath and looks at Castiel with a mixture of so much vulnerability and determination, but then he glances over to Anna and smiles crookedly. “Hey Anna?” he asks, and she nearly swoons at Dean’s mention of her name. “Do you think you could give us a few minutes?”
Anna, bless her heart, looks to Castiel uncertainly, asking silent permission. She doesn’t want to go if he needs her.
“It’s alright, Anna,” he says softly, one corner of his mouth turning up in a partial, reassuring grin. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“You better,” she warns, before she kisses him on the cheek and grabs her coat and purse from the rack by the door. “I want details, Cas.”
“It was nice to uh… meet you,” Dean offers and Castiel can feel the discomfort radiating off him as he leans in to kiss his sister on her temple. It’s a sweet gesture, one that makes Anna let out a soft squeal and makes Castiel’s heart soften. He’s in trouble here, he knows that. “I’m sorry if I came across as kind of a jackass.”
“What do you want, Dean,” Castiel asks when the door shuts behind his sister. He tries to keep his voice hard, keep up the front he’s been working on since the last time he saw Dean.
Dean takes that same deep breath again, filling them both with anticipation, only this time he follows it through with words.
“You’re wrong.”
“Excuse me?”
“And you’re an asshole.”
“Dean…”
“You’re wrong. That I don’t know how to love. I love Sam. I love Adam. I loved my parents and I’ve even loved a couple of girlfriends. I’ve been in loving, committed relationships and I’m not saying that it one hundred percent for sure would have worked out with you, but you’re an asshole for not even giving me the chance to try.”
Castiel knows that Dean is right about that, but Castiel was right too, when he made the decision. “I was trying to spare us both the hurt,” he says, and as the words tumble out, he realises how entirely stupid he was. They’re both obviously hurting anyway.
“No,” Dean disagrees. “You were being a coward. You never once told me what you wanted. You never once said you wanted more from me than what we had. God, Cas, I was happy. I thought you were too. But you weren’t, and you just decided you couldn’t have what you really wanted and left me. Out of the fucking blue. You’re an asshole. So you wanna know what I want? What I need?”
Probably not, Castiel thinks. “What?”
“You told me that night that you needed stability, commitment. Well I don’t, you were right about that. I don’t need those things, not right now. I don’t even know for sure that I can give you what you need from me, so you might end up being right about it all anyway, who knows? What I do know, is the thought of not having you, of never being with you again… Cas, it’s been eating me up inside. That’s not something I want to find out. I want you. And if those other things come along with you, well it’s not really up to you to tell me whether or not I can do it. It’s not up to you tell me I don’t care enough.”
Castiel feels his breath catch, feels light and heavy at the same time with the weight of Dean’s words. He wants to believe him, wants this to be their happily ever after but he’s not that stupid. He’s been here before.
But Dean’s right that Castiel was unfair. He knows Dean pretty well after all this time and if there’s one thing he knows it’s that Dean knows how to love. He’s loyal, he’s honest, he’s never once lied to Castiel. He’s pursued him relentlessly when Castiel gave him no reason to and now he’s standing in his living room asking for another chance when anyone else would have long forgotten him.
But Dean is also very human, very capable of making mistakes that would destroy Castiel and he can admit to himself that yes, he is a coward. Maybe too much of a coward to take that risk.
Because this is about more than just Dean’s ‘free love’ policy. There’s something else standing in their way. Something huge.
That problem gets put on the backburner for now though, because the way Dean’s looking at him, anger and frustration turning to heat and undisguised want, leaves Castiel’s resolve in tatters.
“Dean,” he says, takes two steps forward and covers Dean’s mouth with his own. “I don’t think we should be doing this.” He doesn’t, but it doesn’t stop him from running his tongue along Dean’s teeth.
“Tell me, Cas,” Dean pleads between kisses, hands wrapping around Castiel’s waist and moving up under his t-shirt. “Tell me we can try. That you’ll at least give us a chance.”
Castiel wants to, he really does. He can’t though, so he just kisses Dean again deeper, pulls him down the hall while they strip off their clothes.
“Gabriel caught a tadpole once. He put it in a jar in the yard but when he went inside for supper I brought it back to the creek and let it go,” Castiel says as he manoeuvres them through the bedroom door.
Dean jerks in his arms, lets out a shuddering breath and strokes Castiel’s cock a few times while he nibbles his bottom lip.
“Fuck, Cas. God, yes,” he says, sounds happy, relieved, strung out in a good way.
“I ran away from home when I was nine. My parents wouldn’t get me a dog and my mother packed me a sandwich for lunch. I spent the day on the swings at the park and came home for supper when I got hungry,” he tells Dean when Dean pushes him down on the bed and Dean’s eyes slide shut as he pushes Castiel’s legs aside and settles in between them.
“I make really good pizza,” he says and he flips them over, straddles Dean’s waist and reaches over to the table for a condom while Dean blinks up at him.
“Jesus, Cas. Gonna come before I even get in you.”
He can’t help himself then. He’s still not sure they’re not over and he can’t help himself. He slips the condom down over Dean’s hard cock and Dean moans under his touch, bucks his hips up and clutches at Castiel’s thighs until he lowers himself down onto Dean’s length.
“Yes. God yes, Cas, move. Please.”
Castiel complies, can’t possibly not, and when he’s set up a steady rhythm, hands on Dean’s chest to keep him steady, he starts talking again.
“I skipped the fourth grade.”
Dean groans and a hand slides over Castiel’s hip to grip his erection, starts to jerk it and Castiel`s rhythm falters. It feels good. It always feels good. Better than good and even better than that because it’s Dean, and it’s been too long.
“I had sex with a woman in college. It didn’t take.”
Dean whimpers and Castiel can tell he’s getting closer. That’s good, because Castiel isn’t going to last much longer. Dean looks unbelievable underneath him, spread out and willing, so sweet and beautiful and perfect, Castiel’s for the taking. He doesn’t think he’s ever felt so powerful, so strong. So in love.
“Everyone thinks I always get up early, but sometimes I stay in bed until noon and watch television.”
“Driving me crazy, man,” Dean pants, hips jerking and eyes screwed shut tight. “My dad caught me jerking off to a copy of Sports Illustrated when I was seventeen. He freaked out at first, but he was… Jesus, Cas, just like that… he was surprisingly cool when Sam came out a year later.”
Castiel stills then, not having expected that and he suddenly gets it. Gets why Dean loves it so much, the small insights into Castiel’s life, into who he is. It’s intoxicating, addictive, makes him feel closer to Dean than anyone else gets to be, even other people that fuck him, because they don’t know these things. They don’t know Dean like he does.
And nobody really knows him like Dean does. Not in the ways that matter to them.
He bucks up into Dean’s fist then, comes in spurts all over Dean’s stomach and the sight makes him twitch and shiver, slip back and sink down further onto Dean’s cock, draw out every last bit of pleasure he can.
He doesn’t wait, doesn’t bother to rest, just keeps pumping his hips up and down, coaxing Dean to that edge, the hard head of Dean’s prick pushing against his over-sensitive prostate. It’s too much and it’s not enough. It’s never enough.
“I go strawberry picking with Anna on a farm just outside town every spring. We make so much jam that we’re sick of it by winter, but we do it every year.” Only this time, that’s not what Dean’s looking for.
“Please, Cas,” Dean whispers, pulls Castiel down by his arm until Castiel’s chest is resting against Dean’s and Dean can speak into his mouth. “Please tell me we’re okay. That this isn’t the last time.”
“I love you,” Castiel whispers back, because that’s the best he can do right now, the barest hint of his breath passing over Dean’s lips. It’s not really an answer but that doesn’t seem to matter to Dean.
His hands move to Castiel’s hips, hold him tight and pull him down as Dean pushes up, half a dozen silted jerks and then he’s crying out, a wordless, needy sound as he spills inside Castiel’s body.
Castiel is better about it this time. Waits until they’re both recovered and cleaned up and dressed again (though those five minutes are incredibly awkward) before he leads Dean back out into the living room and picks their conversation up where it left off before Castiel’s dick took over.
“I’m a man, Dean,” he says, that one big thing still standing between them.
“Believe it or not, Cas,” Dean says, taking a sip from the glass of water Castiel had offered him, “I did notice that.”
Castiel partially returns the smile. “Could you really be with me?” he asks, getting to the point. “Give up women? Could you deal with the publicity that would go along with it?”
“I… I don’t know,” Dean says and Castiel again has to admire his honestly. “I just know that I miss you and you should have trusted me. You should have told me what you needed from me and given me the chance to give it to you.”
“Maybe I should have.” He takes a deep breath. “You’re right, I was scared. But can you blame me?”
Dean’s smile turns a little knowing at that.
“Not really, no,” he admits. “I know I wouldn’t exactly win any ‘boyfriend of the year’ contests. And yeah, maybe I’m not ready to see us in the tabloids, hear people talk about how Dean Winchester takes it up the ass.”
“Given my experience, you’ve never taken it up the ass,” Castiel says with a wry grin, tries to lighten the mood.
Dean snickers and tilts his head. “Maybe once or twice. But that’s not even the point. My point is that I don’t have to deal with that right now.”
“So… you don’t want us to be together?”
“No, that’s… Look, I’m not saying I know it’s gonna work out, but. We’re done touring. The band. And we’re taking some time off before we start working on our next album. That gives us plenty of time out of the public eye to work the non-long distance, ‘normal’ relationship thing, see how we do with it.”
It’s all Castiel can do to not pin Dean down and take him again, right now. He’s right. He’s absolutely right and Castiel can’t believe how he could have ever written this off as not even a possibility. Dean is trying. He’s trying harder than Castiel ever did to make this work and the least he owes this man is a chance. If he ends up broken-hearted, well then he’ll be no worse off than he is now, and Dean might surprise him. He might surprise himself.
“And in a couple of years,” Dean continues, and Castiel shakes himself out of the fantasy that’s currently running through his mind, Dean naked and spread out while Castiel licks him open until Dean begs for it, and tunes back in, “when I’m back on the road? If you and I are still… you know, you and I, we’ll deal with it then. I want you. Just you. And I’m not gonna start makin’ phone calls to the press or anything, but I want to try not to hide, at least from the people that matter. So, what do you say?”
“Why Dean Winchester,” Castiel asks, batting his eyelashes in a highly exaggerated move that makes him feel utterly ridiculous as he shifts closer to Dean on the couch. Dean barks out a sharp laugh and Castiel smiles in relief. “Are you asking me to go steady?”
“What if I am?” Dean asks, leaning closer so that his warm breath puffs out over Castiel’s cheek.
Castiel’s smile is too wide to even consider containing as he presses a quick kiss to Dean’s lips. Dean’s worth it, he reminds himself. They’re worth it. No matter what happens.
“Then the answer is yes.”
Epilogue
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