RockStarPeach

Yeah, I don't know. I haven't written anything in forever and I just had this tiny little snippet of an idea that I wanted to write out, so. Have some pain!

Title: Enough To Last
Rating: PG
Pairing: Jensen/Jared, implied Jared/Misha
Summary: The love Jared feels for his husband isn't the only love he feels. He indulges, even though he knows it will cost him his life.
Word count: 1400
Warnings: implied death!fic, infidelity


Jensen is staring at the tabletop, finger absently tracing over a dark, knotted groove in the wood, under the smooth finish.

He's not saying anything.

He's not looking at Jared and he's not yelling and he's not crying and he's not throwing things and he's not saying anything and Jared takes another nervous breath, blows it out again when he decides it's best to stay quiet.

Jensen should speak first.

Jared doesn't think he could possibly make things any worse at this point, but he doesn't want to find out.

The front door is still open, the way Misha left it on his way out and a warm breeze blows through the screen, the late afternoon sunlight casting a light shadow on the floor next to them. Jensen gets up after a while, an interminable, excruciating while and closes it.

“We'll run,” he says when he sits back down, finally meeting Jared's eyes. “Pack a bag, do it now. We'll run.”

“Jensen...” Jared starts, voice pained and breaking. There are tears in his eyes, have been since Jensen came home from a business trip unexpectedly and caught Jared with his legs wrapped around Misha. Misha, one of their best friends and all Jensen had done after Misha quickly dressed and shot Jared a longing, needy look was squeeze his eyes shut, hug Misha and say 'I'm sorry'.

Jared chokes the tears back and shakes his head.

“No,” Jensen interrupts. “No, okay? We'll run. You don't get to argue with me right now.”

But they can't. Jared knows they can't, Jensen knows they can't. They'll be found, it's inevitable and when they are, Jensen will be brought to justice as well, for harbouring a fugitive. There's only one punishment, no matter the crime: death.

“I can't do that to you,” Jared says, quietly. All he can do is hope Jensen knows, hope that Jared's shown him, hope that Jensen understands that Jared loves him, despite everything, more than anything.

Jensen looks at him again, a second turns into ten turns into thirty and then Jared flinches when Jensen slams his hand down on the table and screams, wordless and desperate.

“Do you hate me that much?” Jensen asks. His voice cracks too, then and his eyes plead with Jared to tell him that it was all just a mistake, all a bad dream. “That dying was more appealing than being faithful to me? Jesus, Jared... Do you hate me that much?”

“No,” Jared tells him, emphatically. “God, Jensen. No. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I love you.”

He does. He loves his husband, has since they were teenagers and that love has never lessened, not one bit. The trouble is, he loves Misha, too.

And he knew what he was getting into, they both did. Adultery is against the law and they fought their attraction for as long as they could, kept their distance at first and then got closer, teased each other with ideas of what they could have together, in a different world.

They hadn't dared act on it, not until now.

They've both stood through standard police checks more times than they can count, looking shifty and awkward while the psychics sifted their minds, each and every week. Monday at noon on Misha's street, Friday mornings for Jared and Jensen. They've stood and avoided eye contact while the criminal activity specialists read their minds and their thoughts and their desires and knew how they felt about each other but there's no law against wanting, just doing.

Jared's stood next to Jensen and held his hand while Jensen smiled at the officers even though they all knew he hated it. He smiled anyway, because it was only a few moments, and then they were gone and Jensen and Jared passed every time. Of course they did.

But now he knows, Jensen knows that Jared won't be able to pass the next scan. Neither will Misha. They'll both be dead inside twenty-four hours.

“If you love me,” Jensen starts, clears his throat and starts again. “If you love me, then how could you... You'll die, Jared. You and Misha will both die, and for what? One fuck? Or was it more than one? Have you guys been together the whole week? Getting as much action in as you can before you make the ultimate sacrifice for your great love?”

Jensen's words are sarcastic, biting and Jared's tears finally fall.

Jensen's not wrong. Misha came over after his scan on Monday, after Jensen left on his trip and it was innocent at first, they hadn't planned it, they hadn't. But love is blind, love is stupid and impulsive and love doesn't know it's ass from it's elbow and they'd tumbled into bed together, heads full of dreamy and romantic notions of Romeo and Juliet and unwilling to go on living if it meant they had to deny the way they felt for even one more moment.

Looking across the table at Jensen now, he realises how incredibly self-indulgent he'd been.

He doesn't want to die. He really doesn't want to die, doesn't want to leave Jensen like this, a widower, alone and hurt and irrevocably betrayed, all because Jared was greedy, because one love wasn't enough.

“Do you hate me?” Jared asks meekly, tears still streaming.

Jensen sighs and his fist comes down on the tabletop again.

“Never,” Jensen tells him, forcing out a steady breath. He's trying to be calm, trying to reassure Jared in what are his last hours and Jared starts to cry harder. “I will never hate you, baby. I need you to know that. I'm hurt, I can't hide that from you but I'll get over it. I'm gonna love you, always.”

Jared's full-on bawling now, big, weepy sobs and he gets up from the table, tackles Jensen to the couch and throws himself into Jensen's arms.

“I'm sorry,” he says, over and over. “Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry...”

He's scared, now. The height of his lust and emotion has passed and now he's faced with real life, with his husband and a visit from the police in the morning and he wants to curl up into Jensen and never let go.

“Shhh,” Jensen says. His hands hold tight to either side of Jared's head and he cries salty, silent tears into Jared's thick hair. “Shhh, baby. I forgive you.”

Jensen takes him to bed, then.

They don't make love, Jensen talks.

All night, Jensen talks. He holds Jared in his arms and kisses his nose and his eyes and his lips and he talks about the new client he secured and how his baseball team is going to win district this year and how it's going to be a warm fall.

Jared holds Jensen back, listens and clings and wonders why, why he has to feel this way, to be so torn between two people, to be so unable to bury half of himself that it would cost him everything.

He doesn't regret it. He wishes he could.

He's sorry, for what he did to Jensen, for how he's leaving him but... it was worth it.

He got to experience something he never thought he would, something he thought forbidden and for a few days his heart sang, sang like hasn't since he first married Jensen.

He'll go. Not gladly, not at all, but he'll go to his death content that he was true to himself, to those he loved.

“I'll never stop loving you, Jared,” Jensen reminds him, as the sun rises and the sky outside the window starts to turn pale blue. “You've made me so happy.”

“I never loved you any less,” Jared promises in return, despite his infidelity. “I'll love you my whole life.”

“We can still run,” Jensen offers, hand tensed over Jared's belly, like he's ready to leave right now. “We might have a few more months, before they catch up.”

“No,” Jared says. He can't do that to Jensen, he can't do that period, much as he'd like to. He needs to be brave. He needs to leave Jensen with enough love to last his entire lifetime. “We can't.”

There's a knock at the door.

END