RockStarPeach

Okay, so this fic! I was looking through my hard drive a few days ago and I came across a file labelled ‘not gay jensen’. Naturally I blinked, scratched my head and thought ‘how the hell drunk was I that I wrote a fic where Jensen isn’t gay?’. I thought it might have just been mislabelled or perhaps it was something else entirely, so I opened it up and lo and behold – it was the beginning of a story in which Jensen is, in fact, not gay.

Of course, that doesn’t seem to stop him from having sex with Jared : )

Anyway, I kind of liked the idea, so I finished it off and here it is. It ended up being a lot longer than I originally thought it would be (and I had to try very hard to keep it even this short!) I seriously have no idea what's wrong with me.

Title: It Makes You Desperate
Pairing: Jared/Jensen (mentions of Jensen/OFC, Jared/Misha)
Summary: AU. Jensen and Jared are in love. It should be sunshine and puppies and sweaty, dirty sex all the time. It should be epic and glorious and sickeningly perfect. And it would be, if only Jensen was interested in men.
This is not the story where Jensen is into women and is only gay for Jared. This is the story where Jensen is a straight man in love with another man and has to figure out what to do about it.
Rating: Adult
Word count: 10,600

***

The one fact of which Jensen is absolutely, without a doubt, swear on his life certain, is that he’s in love with Jared.

He knows it in his bones, even more than he knows he loves his mother’s peanut butter cookies and that his little brother was a royal pain in his ass until Jensen moved away for college. Even more than he knows he’s really good at his job and that he hates pineapple and that even though he quit smoking years ago he always needs a cigarette after a really good fuck, he knows he’s in love with Jared.

He loves the way Jared’s tongue touches the corner of his mouth when he reaches across the kitchen island to hand Jensen his coffee every morning – black with one sugar. He loves the way Jared moans when he takes his first bite of the maple syrup slathered French toast Jensen makes for them on Saturday afternoons (because they don’t usually roll out of bed until after eleven and they’re not ready to eat for at least an hour after that).

He loves how Jared’s hand feels on his knee and how Jared’s head feels on his shoulder when they’re kicking back on the couch, watching a game. He loves Jared’s smile when the guy who runs the bakery down the road gives them the bread right from the oven. He loves how Jared bitches and curses when he loses at Call of Duty and he loves how they can spend an hour after supper in companionable silence, Jensen on his laptop and Jared with a magazine. He loves how Jared’s hand rests on his hip and they briefly touch foreheads as they say goodnight before they go to their separate bedrooms.

He doesn’t love how Jared leaves his dirty dishes everywhere and how loud he is when he comes in after a night out with his friends or how he sometimes makes Jensen get up early with him and drive him to work. He sure as hell doesn’t love Jared’s chronic flatulence or the way he chews with his mouth open or how he thinks he can get whatever he wants with wide, blinking eyes and a slightly puffed out bottom lip.

More than anything, Jensen doesn’t love how that last one actually works. Especially on him.

But he does love Jared. Loves how dreamy-eyed he gets when they watch Pirates of the Caribbean, because he a thing for Orlando Bloom and loves how me makes Jensen stop working every night by eight o’clock, even when Jensen complains he has to see clients in the morning. He loves how Jared’s cheeks blush a deep, deep red when he gets really drunk and he loves how it feels when they wake up in the morning together in Jensen’s bed, after a late night of beer and crazy eights.

He loves Jared, period.

And it’s great. It’s the best relationship Jensen has ever had, honestly, and it’s amazing. Jensen is happier than he’s ever been.

The only problem is, Jensen isn’t gay.

No, really. He’s not.

He’s not in denial and he’s not in the closet. He’s not pretending for his own sake or anyone else’s, he’s not worried about what his family or friends will think. He’s just totally and completely, unfortunately, straight.

Much as he loves Jared, he doesn't want to kiss him, fuck him, doesn’t want to think about touching his dick. Give him a nice set of tits and a sweet, feminine frame that he can tuck up under his arm any day. When it comes to sex, Jensen wants women. But when it comes to everything else he wants Jared.

It sucks.

It’s confusing and frustrating and it’s unfair and it sucks.

Jensen is not gay.

Jared is gay, however.

He holds Jensen’s hand under the table when they stop for coffee down the road and he leans into Jensen’s touch when Jensen brushes his bangs off his face and he closes his eyes and holds his breath when Jensen’s arm goes around his shoulders and Jensen’s nose nudges behind his ear after Jared’s had a long day and just needs someone to be there.

Jared’s tactile and vibrant and open and gay, and he’s in love with Jensen right back, so that’s half the problem solved. Or maybe that just makes it that much worse, because every time Jared touches his hand with a sad smile and every time he kisses Jensen on the temple and says ‘I love you’, Jensen feels like an enormous douchewad.

He feels even worse when he tells Jared he’s working late and then comes home smelling like perfume and pulling his shirt collar up to hide his hickeys. Feels like a first class jerk when Jared just smiles at him, wide and toothy with a pain in his eyes that he can’t hide no matter how much he tries and says “I hope you got paid extra for that.”

He feels like the biggest asshole in the world when Jared goes on dates, when he gets home early and Jensen asks how it went and Jared just shrugs, tells him “not really my type,” and curls up next to Jensen on the couch.

He downright hates himself when they wake up those mornings after, floor littered with empty beer bottles and Jensen spooning Jared, arm and leg wrapped around him from behind and held tight to his chest so Jared doesn’t roll onto the floor.

He hates himself because he knows he’s leading Jared on. Because he wants to want to fuck Jared, he wants to want to kiss him, to slip between Jared’s legs, slide his tongue along Jared’s neck, to dig his fingers into Jared’s hips while he grinds down and he wants to want to get them both off like that.

He wants to. They both know he wants to. But he can’t.

Because loving Jared isn’t enough, it seems. So much for all that bullshit Jensen’s heard about ‘it’s not the gender, it’s the person you fall in love with’, because Jensen knows he’s in love with Jared, but the thought of getting naked with him leaves Jensen nothing but vaguely considering and a little squeamish.

Which is better than disgusted or turned off, which he isn’t, not even close, but it just doesn’t get his motor revving like he wishes it would.

He knows that Jared wants to fuck him in between the times they play Halo, blow him in the back of Jensen’s truck when they both call in sick to work and spend the day at the beach. Ride his cock on the porch swing in their backyard after they’ve spent the entire night just talking and the sun peeks up over the horizon.

He knows Jared wants all that but Jensen just… doesn’t.

***

About two years into their friendship, two years and two weeks into Jared’s huge crush and eleven months into them moving in together, Jensen decides that his problem is lack of trying.

Jared’s… pretty. He supposes. He’s definitely an attractive guy and Jensen knows he attracts a lot of potential suitors, male and female. His hair is kind of stupid and he wears too much pink but he’s got a great body and smile is… okay, when Jensen thinks about Jared’s smile, that’s when he thinks he actually might be a little bit gay and this disaster waiting to happen might actually work out in the end.

Jared’s smile is awesome.

Anyway, the point is, Jared’s pretty. And Jensen can appreciate pretty. He can work with pretty. It probably won’t even be that hard.

***

It’s hard.

And not in the way Jensen wants.

He jerks off, which is always a good place to start. Jensen’s good at jerking off. He doesn’t do it what he would call a lot (though Jared disagrees), but there have been weeks where he’s gotten into the double digits. Rare, sure, but it’s happened.

But now he’s jerking off with purpose.

He starts by thinking about Jared. He pictures him in what he imagines to be the classic ‘gay’ positions – and yeah, he’s aware that makes him sound like some kind of homophobic asshole, but he’s in seriously uncharted waters here and he has no idea what the fuck he’s doing. He pictures Jared sweat-soaked on his back at the gym, pressing two hundred pounds with his legs spread and his feet settled firmly on the floor on either side of the red padded bench.

In the shower next, wet and slippery, soap bubbles sliding down his body and covering all the important parts as Jared works one hand down his stomach and the other down his back, lands them both in places that should be homeruns.

On his hands and knees on his bed, arching his back and gently swaying his ass back and forth, waiting for someone to step up.

It’s five minutes before Jensen gives up, looks down at his flaccid cock and flicks it with his middle finger in irritation.

He clears his head then, shakes his body out in an attempt to loosen his tense muscles, licks his lips and lets his mind wander. It isn’t long before he’s hard and leaking, stroking himself to completion on thoughts of the redheaded temp he banged two weeks ago in a supply closet at the office.

He curses after and wipes himself clean, hears Jared pause outside his bedroom later on the way to Jared’s own room, but he doesn’t get up to say goodnight.

***

The next time he tries it he clears his mind first, takes his dick in his hand and jacks himself until he’s hard, until he’s only a few strokes away. And then he thinks of Jared.

Just picks the image he thinks would be the hottest (Jared on his back with his elbows hooked under his knees and his legs spread wide and inviting) and it almost works.

Imaginary Jared is smiling at him, that smile that Jensen could grow old with and makes his heart stutter a little. Imaginary Jared’s fingers are tracing slightly along his own thighs, a comforting touch Jensen knows and loves. Imaginary Jared wriggles like he can’t quite stay still, like he needs Jensen’s touch to feel safe, feel right.

It’s all so good, so comfortable and Jensen thinks he can do this.

But, Jensen looks down and imaginary Jared has a cock.

It’s right there, between imaginary Jared’s legs, kind of blurry (because Jensen’s never really gotten a good look), but Jensen knows it’s there. Jensen knows there’s hair on Jared’s chest and legs and under his arms, that he’s sweaty and huge and unmistakably a guy.

And suddenly Jensen is softening in his own hand no matter how hard and fast he pulls and he starts to get desperate. He turns Jared over, grabs his ass and slides his thumbs down the crease, pushes them down the middle and he can almost feel it when he slides his cock inside.

It works.

It’s not great – in fact, imaginary Jared is probably the worst lay he’s ever had – but it works. Jensen comes and when he does it, it’s Jared he’s thinking of.

It’s a step.

***

It’s a Friday and Jensen takes the day off. Drives Jared to work this morning and instead of driving himself two blocks over to his own office, he turns around and goes home.

He’s alone in the house, pushed up against the arm of the couch and there are four empty Pepsi cans in front of him and a half-finished bag of pretzels on the coffee table.

He’s been sitting here three hours and he’s got four DVDs lined up next to the television (he’s planning on working through them all this afternoon) and he’s only ten minutes ago got up the courage to hit play on the remote.

They’re all Jared’s. He doesn’t hide them, Jensen knows they’re there, sitting on the shelf in between Die Hard and Narnia. Jensen has seen them every day since they’ve been living together and he’s honestly never been curious. Until now.

Jensen has plenty of his own porn, thanks, and it never fails to do the job. Straight porn (and okay, a little bit of lesbian action, but that’s a kind of gay he can get behind). Porn with wet pussies getting ploughed hard and huge tits bouncing up and down, jiggling with the force. Porn he loves. Today though, he’s decided to give something else a shot.

It starts out bad, like any porno. Bad acting, unbelievable plot, awkward lead-in. And then it gets worse. Well, for Jensen anyway. He can understand why some people would like it, what with the naked and the sex and all, so he hasn’t given up yet. He wants to like it too. It’s difficult, though.

It’s hard where it should be soft, there are way too many dicks in Jensen’s opinion and the guys are way too oily and way too picture perfect and seem to be able to bend into positions that just look downright uncomfortable. Then again, it’s porn, so. Probably not exactly a realistic snapshot of the homosexual experience.

He watches that whole movie, including all the lame-ass dialogue scenes and ‘plot’ advancement. Then he watches the next one and the one after that, but it’s more morbid curiosity than anything else that keeps him going. Each one, if possible, seems worse than the one before and he has no idea how the hell Jared can get off on this shit.

It’s not doing anything for him, but he’s still not exactly turned off, which is encouraging. And he’s trying, he’s trying really fucking hard to picture himself doing that. Doing that shit to Jared, letting Jared do that shit to him and… and he just can’t. Oh, he can see it. He can visualise it quite well, actually, but his dick’s not hard thinking about it. In fact he’s kind of cringing when he very vividly imagines Jared’s cock going…

Okay.

So.

He’s willing to just call this latest effort a failure and move on to something else when he hears a throat clear behind him and jerks, sits up straight and whips his head around to see Jared standing behind him.

“Thought you were working,” Jensen accuses, eyes narrowed a little as they dart guiltily to the television screen and then back to Jared.

“Was,” Jared answers. “Earlier. It’s almost seven o’clock.”

“Oh.” How the fuck had he lost track of so much time?

“So uh…” Jared starts, corners of his mouth creeping up, that smile, stupid fucking smile that got Jensen into this mess in the first place. “What are you doing?”

“What does it look like?” Jensen asks, hopes Jared will just leave well enough alone, show some decency and walk away.

No such luck.

“Watching porn,” Jared answers, still smiling. Fuck, Jensen wants to stare at his face forever. It really sucks that he’s not even remotely turned on.

“Bingo,” Jensen says, snarling a little and turning back to the television. Jared still doesn’t leave. Fucking asshole.

“Watching gay porn.” Jensen can hear his smile getting wider.

“I did notice that, yeah.”

Jared sighs and Jensen feels his foot kick into the back of the couch. “Why are you watching gay porn?”

Jensen clears his throat into his fist, shuffles one foot in a nervous tick and still refuses to look over at Jared.

“It’s hot?” he offers after a few seconds.

Jared laughs and Jensen feels warm.

“Are you sure about that? Because you don’t really look like you’re enjoying yourself as much as you could be.”

“Whatever, man. Are you gonna get the fuck out of here so I can beat one off, or are you going to pull up a chair and watch?”

“Hey, living room’s a shared space, dude. I just want to eat my supper. But by all means, don’t let me stop you. You know I love to watch.”

“Asshole,” Jensen mutters, scowls and as he stands up he throws the remote control at Jared. “I’m goin’ out to get laid.”

Jared laughs as Jensen goes to the hall and grabs his coat, but just before Jensen shuts the door behind him he looks back, sees Jared biting his lip and the downward slope of his eyes that always tell Jensen how Jared really feels, no matter what his mouth says.

Jensen never had any intention of actually getting laid, but right now he doesn’t even want Jared to think that’s what he’s doing. In the end, all he does is walk down to the corner store and come back home ten minutes later with a pint of chocolate fudge ripple – Jared’s favourite.

He is such an asshole.

***

It’s on an unassuming Wednesday night after an obscene amount of tequila, that they both decide to stop with the pussyfooting and get this shit on already.

Or… something like that. Jensen’s drunk, thanks to the aforementioned tequila, so that might not actually be so accurate.

One minute they’re trash talking each other’s taste in cinema – Jared’s favourite movie is Beaches for fuck’s sake, and even though Jensen is trying his damndest to turn gay, he’s never going to be that gay – and the next Jared’s hand is cradling Jensen’s cheek and his tongue is in Jensen’s mouth.

They’ve kissed before. On the cheek, on the head or hand, even on the lips once or twice. Soft little pecks, completely innocent. And sure, Jensen always feels a little wigged out when they get all affectionate and touchy like that, but more than anything he feels good just having Jared close.

This though… this isn’t like that.

This is Jared's tongue in his mouth. And it’s gross.

No, okay. That’s not fair. It’s not gross, exactly, it’s just fucking strange. Whatever it is though, he stops it pretty quickly, jerks his head back and puts his hand on Jared’s chest to prevent him from following.

Not that Jared looks like was planning on following. He looks just as freaked out as Jensen feels, drops his hand from Jensen’s face like it’s burned him and pushes himself back a good half foot from Jensen on the couch.

“Shit,” Jared says, eyes wide and shaking his head, like he can’t quite believe he just did that. “Shit, Jensen, I’m sorry man. I didn’t… I’m sorry.”

Jensen shakes his head right back, blinks a few times and opens his mouth twice before he manages to speak. Probably because he has no idea what he wants to say until he’s saying it.

“No. No it… Do it again.”

Jared lets out a sudden puff of breath, his shoulders sag and his eyes do that thing, that thing they do when he’s sad, when he’s crushed and Jensen leans forward, intent on kissing that look away. Jared doesn’t let him though. It’s Jared’s turn to push Jensen back and he looks even worse than he did a second ago.

“Jensen,” he says simply, and his name comes out of Jared’s mouth so broken that Jensen wants a new name, one that doesn’t break Jared’s heart.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, almost a whisper. “You want this, Jared. Right? I didn’t… I mean I couldn’t have read you wrong. Not for this long.”

“No,” Jared agrees. “No, you’re not wrong. You’re also not into guys.”

And that’s still true, though Jensen is at the point where he’s thinking some first hand experience might change his mind. He can do this. He wants to do this, for Jared.

“First time for everything,” he offers with a crooked smile and Jared smiles painfully back at him.

“And then we’ll sober up and it’ll be even harder for both of us when we remember that we can’t do this.”

“But what if we can?” Jensen has no idea why he’s pushing so hard for this, why he isn’t just taking the out that Jared’s giving them. He just knows they’ve both wanted this for so long and yes, there’s a very obvious problem with pushing forward, but he wants to give it a shot. “What if we can do this? I mean, we’re practically dating anyway, man. Just without the sex.”

“I’ve spent so long wishing we could,” Jared says, voice cracking a little. “But I’m not delusional. You’re straight, Jensen. And one drunken night won’t change that.”

Jensen doesn’t really have anything to say to that. Because Jared’s right, some drunken fumbling right now won’t really change anything. He’s still not sexually interested in guys but he’s still madly in love with Jared. No matter what happens tonight, tomorrow morning nothing will be different.

“I’m going to bed,” Jared says softly and when he stands up to leave, Jensen lets him go.

***

Jensen is so thoroughly embarrassed about throwing himself at Jared like he did that he decides to avoid Jared for a full two days. Jared seems to be on board with that plan, so he doesn’t feel bad when Jared is forced to take the bus to work or when Jensen stays out with his buddy Tom until the bartender tells them to go home.

On the third day though, Saturday, Jensen wakes up in Tom’s spare bed with a woman next to him. A very naked woman, he discovers upon further inspection but he’s not hung over, he wasn’t drunk and he knows for a fact that he didn’t have sex with anyone last night. He went to bed alone around two in the morning when the party was still going on out in living room, and if one of Tom’s friends got loaded and decided to pass out next to him, that’s none of his business.

He groans and rolls out of bed fully clothed, looks himself up and down in the mirror.

He’s kind of wrinkled and smelly so he borrows Tom’s shower and roots around in the closet for some clean clothes that he knows he left here a few weeks ago and fifteen minutes later he’s fresh, he’s clean, he smells good.

On his way home, he stops at the market and picks up the lamest bouquet of flowers he can find. It costs him three dollars and it’s a couple of half-dead daisies, something purple that he can’t name and one of those long things, with the little while flowers all up and down.

It’s horrible. Offensive, almost, but that’s sort of the point. They don’t need this shit. They already have everything. Almost everything. And Jensen’s not going to stop until they have it all.

“So, when we do it,” he says, as he steps inside the front door, startling Jared out of what was apparently a very engrossing crossword clue, “do I have to take it up the ass? Because no offense – I know you get off on that shit and all – but I don’t think it would really do anything for me.”

Jared nearly chokes on a bite of his sandwich and when he finally manages to swallow it he looks up at Jensen like he’s lost his mind. “What?”

“Oh, right,” Jensen says, shaking his head and holding out the small bunch of flowers, like that was the problem. “You like… purple something or others. Right?”

“You bought me flowers?”

“I’m kind of asking you to go steady here, so I figured… flowers.”

“You bought me ugly flowers?” Jared asks, ignoring the ‘going steady’ part for the moment.

“Well, I’m not asking you to marry me,” Jensen says, frowning. Then he brightens exaggeratedly. “I promise you’ll get roses then.”

“Jensen, you can’t…” Jared says, but he stands up and takes the flowers from Jensen’s hand, fills a tall glass with water from the tap and puts them in it. “We talked about this.”

“But I’m not drunk. I’m pretty sure you’re not either. And I still… want this. You.”

“Do you? I mean, really? Do you? Because Jensen… I don’t think I can handle it if we fuck around a few times and then you suddenly decide dick isn’t really for you.”

“Jared, I already know dick isn’t really for me. And no, to be honest, I’m not sure at all. What I am sure about is… Is I love you. Is we fit. And yeah, I’m still a little unsure about how the whole sex thing is gonna go, but I want to find out. We have everything else. Why can’t we have this, too? I want to try.”

“Jensen…”

“No relationship ever has a guarantee. And I’m not going to force you into this, because there’s a real chance we’re both going to end up with broken hearts. I’m not going to tell you to trust me, because this a total crapshoot for me, and we both know it. I’m not going to hold a grudge if you say no. But I really hope you say yes.”

***

Jared says yes.

Jensen feels guilty.

Almost immediately after, Jensen feels like he should never have asked in the first place. Because he doesn’t know how to do this.

He awkwardly closes the space between them and even more awkwardly presses his lips to Jared’s. It’s sloppy and horrible, which is stupid because Jensen knows he’s a great kisser and he’s seen Jared kiss a few dudes before, so he’s pretty Jared’s usually better at it than this.

But Jensen is nervous, unsure and suffering from a bad case of buyer’s remorse.

He wanted this, still wants it, but now that he has it he’s not sure how to handle it. For now what he does is break the kiss, smile a smile that probably comes out more like a wince and locks himself away in his room for the rest of the day.

The next morning over lunchtime pancakes and coffee he offers to take Jared out for supper. An official first date. Jared agrees and Jensen can’t stop his knee bouncing up and down throughout the whole meal, his fingers drumming a nervous rhythm on the table next to his plate.

Jared is awesome about it, doesn’t call Jensen out but Jensen can see that he’s hurt. Of course he is. Jensen is too. Because they’ve had supper together hundreds of times and it’s never ever been this uncomfortable before. Add a so far non-existent sexual element to their relationship and suddenly it’s weird. Go figure.

When they get home it’s a bit better. They have a couple of beers on the back porch and it’s almost normal, almost nice and then Jensen closes his eyes and kisses Jared’s neck while Jared jerks them both off. It takes fucking forever for Jensen to come and he’s tense and pissed off by the end, but at least he calls Jared’s name when he finally finishes, grips Jared’s arms and thrusts his hips up into Jared’s fist.

All in all, it could have been worse.

He can do this.

***

He suffers a set-back about a week later, after they’ve split a pizza and made out for a while. It was good. The pizza as well as the kissing. It’s been getting better, less jerky, more lazy and slow and comfortable, less tongue and more lips, open slightly and then closed again.

Jensen’s in his room, exhausted and looking forward to a full eight hours sleep, but his laptop is just sitting there on the dresser, staring at him. He stares back, glares actually, but it doesn’t do any good. The laptop has porn on it. Porn with chicks. And Jensen can hear it calling his name. He hasn’t gotten off since his date with Jared last week, even though he knows Jared would be more than up for it if Jensen asked.

He shouldn’t watch it. He’s not going to watch it. He’s just going to go to sleep, like he told Jared he was. Yep.

Not ten minutes later he’s watching a woman on all fours getting fucked from behind while her tits swing back and forth and her mouth opens wide and makes the prettiest, dirtiest sounds. He slides his pants off, pulls his boxers down and wraps his hand around his cock. Feels guilty because he knows Jared would do this for him, would love to do this for him and Jared is just down the hall.

He should ask him. Jared’s his boyfriend now (and fuck, that’s weird to even think) and he shouldn’t be jerking off to pornography alone when he could be jerking off with Jared. He doesn’t stop though.

He loves Jared. More than anything, he loves Jared, but this poorly shot, poorly acted, piece of crap movie has him more turned on than he’d be if he was in Jared’s room.

Fuck, he is an asshole.

Jensen closes his eyes, groans and pumps faster, squeezes tighter and then there’s a knock on his door. Before he can even answer the door swings open and Jared steps in, already mid-sentence.

“Hey man, what the fuck are you…” he pauses and takes Jensen in, dick in hand and cocks his head at the highly inappropriate sounds coming from Jensen’s computer. “…Doing in here?”

“I… Jared, I’m sorry. I wasn’t… I didn’t come in here so I could do this. I really was just tired. But then I… Shit. I’m sorry.”

“No need to be,” Jared says, but Jensen can tell he doesn’t really mean it. “I know you’re like, a chronic masturbator. Just make sure you save some for me, yeah?”

“I am not, you dick,” Jensen scowls and Jared laughs. “Well, now that you’re here, you might as well help out.”

“What makes you think I want to?” Jared asks, all falsely coy and Jensen rolls his eyes.

“Fine, get in here and we can jerk off together. There’s a dude in this one, so you’ll like it too.”

Jared does and they do and even though it’s a little weird and the only place they touch is where their elbows occasionally knock against each other, as far as Jensen is concerned, they’re making progress.

***

They don’t really touch much for the next few days, just little kisses good morning and goodnight, a little snuggling and hand holding while they watch a movie or the news, but that’s not too different than how they were before and Jensen is getting more and more hopeful that this can work out.

This is easy, really. Sure, the sex isn’t great and there hasn’t really been very much of it, but at least it’s Jared. At least Jared is his.

Sometimes Jared tries for a little more while they’re sitting side by side on the couch or the steps down from the back deck. Slides his hand up Jensen’s thigh toward his cock or starts to pull Jensen’s shirt up, up and over his head and off, but Jensen always stops him. That first handjob wasn’t a complete disaster but Jensen’s not sure if he’s ready to try it again just yet. And even though him and Jared have seen each other naked on more than one occasion and shirtless more times than he can count, this context is entirely different and he knows he’s not ready for any nudity to factor in.

Jared never complains, never, and he has the patience of a saint, but Jensen can tell that he’s second guessing, reconsidering because clearly Jensen is too much of a pussy to see this thing through. And they both deserve better than only half of someone.

Jensen will do better. He has to, because if he doesn’t, he’s going to lose Jared.

***

A week later, when Jared gets on his knees on Jensen’s bedroom floor, smiles that smile up at Jensen and gives him a pretty damn good blowjob, Jensen figures if they keep working at it, the sex part is bound to get as good as all the other parts. Because Jared’s lips might be a little drier than he’s used to and his jaw might be a little too square and his stubble might scratch a little, but Jared knows how to suck cock.

Just the right amount the pressure, the perfect suction, graze of teeth and swirl of tongue and Jensen cards his fingers through Jared’s hair and fucks into his mouth and comes with a soft groan. Not the best he’s ever had, but definitely up there.

And then the blowjob ends and Jared pulls back, licks his lips and shyly reaches down between his own spread legs, slides his hand inside his loose pyjama bottoms and starts to work his fist up and down over his cock. Jensen looks down, can see Jared’s hand working under soft flannel and he swallows, because now he supposes it’s time to man up and reciprocate.

Jared won’t force him to. Hell, Jared’s obviously not even expecting him to, knows it might be too much and this is new to Jensen and he doesn’t want him to do anything that would make him uncomfortable. Which is awesome of Jared. Makes sense, because Jared is an awesome person

But that’s not fair. Jared is sacrificing a lot for this relationship, walking on eggshells and giving so much without asking for anything and they can’t go on like that. Not for long anyway, before something breaks.

“So, uh,” he says, a little breathless still from his orgasm as he tucks his softening dick back into his pants. “I guess it’s my turn, huh?”

“Jensen, you don’t have to.”

Jensen just gives him a hard look, a ‘don’t be a fuckin’ idiot’ look and Jared quirks an eyebrow and slowly takes his hand out of his pants.

“Okay, good,” Jensen says with a nod, takes a deep breath. “Okay, stand up.”

Jared does without a word, watches Jensen carefully. Probably sizing him up, waiting to see what his next move will be. And Jensen knows the next move is his, knows that Jared will be a passive participant from this point on tonight and maybe that’s part of the problem. It’s sort of freaking Jensen out that he’s the one who has to be in charge here, that he has to decide what to do all on his own.

Jared’s the expert in this arena so a little input wouldn’t go amiss. But Jared is right. They both need it like this, they need to be sure that Jensen is only doing what he wants. Kind of a moot point, really, since they both know Jensen doesn’t actually want any of this. He just wishes he did.

Jared is still looking at him, not moving, not crowding, just standing right where Jensen told him to stand with his arms at his sides and a soft, half-smile turning up the corners of his mouth. So, Jensen leans in and kisses him, slow, chaste at first but Jared opens up willingly for him and Jensen slides his tongue inside, bushes it over Jared’s as he lifts his hands to cup Jared’s cheeks.

They’ve done a lot of kissing over the past few weeks and now Jensen is at the point where he actually really enjoys it, looks forward to it and falls asleep smiling when he remembers the feeling of Jared’s lips against his own.

Which is actually pretty damn gay, now that Jensen thinks of it. He’s almost proud of himself.

So anyway, the kiss is a good place to start, puts Jensen at ease and makes everything else seem a little less scary.

“On the bed,” he breathes into Jared’s mouth when the kiss breaks. “I think… on the bed.”

“Yeah,” Jared gasps, so turned on now that he can’t help but buck his hips forward against Jensen’s and he follows when Jensen takes his hand and leads him. Jensen guides him down onto the bed, hands on Jared’s shoulders and once he’s flat on his back his hands slide down Jared’s arms, move to rest lightly over Jared’s hips when Jensen sits down next to him.

Jared lets out a soft little moan when Jensen hooks his fingers into the waistband of Jared’s pants, sucks in a sharp breath when Jensen starts to slide them down. Jared lifts his hips to help out and Jensen can feel Jared’s eyes on him the whole time but he never looks up were he’s focussed on how Jared’s cock is being revealed to him, an inch at a time.

He’s never seen Jared’s cock before. He wasn’t looking that time on the swing out back, sort of made it a point not to. But it’s not so scary, really. It’s not even bigger than his own, which is kind of surprising, and it doesn’t have tentacles or spikes or anything fucked up like that. It’s just a cock. He’s seen plenty before. Then again, those were all on a television screen and he’d never actually touched one.

He’s never wanted to, still doesn’t really want to but it can’t be that bad, right? Hell, he didn’t like the kissing at first either, and look how that turned out.

“Jensen,” Jared says and it startles him, makes him flinch and look up and he realises that almost a minute has past with Jared’s pants down around his thighs and Jensen just staring at his hard-on like some kind of freak. “Jensen, you really don’t have to. I promise, it’s okay. We can call it a night right now and I’ll just go take care of myself.”

“No,” Jensen says, frowning. “No way. I’m not gonna leave you hangin’, man. I’m not that much of a douche. Besides, I’ve got plenty of experience handling my own junk, I’m pretty sure I can manage yours.”

Jared sighs and lifts one of his hands from his side and rubs it over his eyes.

“Look at you. You’re not into this. I can see how hard you’re trying, Jensen and it means so much to me, but I don’t think this is something you can change about yourself. I should never have let you try.”

Jensen clenches his teeth, steels his jaw and looks back to Jared’s cock, still hard and reddish at the tip. Jensen is doing this, damn it. There’s no way in hell he’s going to be able to use his mouth like Jared did, but like he said, he’s a master at jerking off.

He wraps his fingers tight around Jared’s shaft in one quick movement, squeezes one and Jared cries out, arches his back and throws his head back into the pillow.

“Fuck, Jensen,” he says and Jensen looks up at him when he starts to move his hand a little, experimental pumps up and down. “Don’t… don’t do this for me just to prove something to yourself. I want you. I want you so bad, but only if you really want me, too.”

“I…” Jensen starts, pauses and licks his lips, considers what he should say to that, if anything. He’d be lying if he told Jared that he was as into the sex as he wants to be but he just can’t bring himself to admit defeat. And it has nothing to do with proving anything to either of them. He loves Jared, wants to grow old with Jared and raise babies with Jared and retire to Hawaii with Jared. And he can’t do any of that unless he has sex with Jared.

“Ask me to stop,” is what he says, because as much as he wants all that, wants Jared always by his side, he does understand what this is doing to Jared. How it must be killing him to know that he’s essentially an experiment for Jensen, one most likely doomed to failure at that. “If you really want me to stop, ask. And I will. But…”

Jared just whimpers, closes his eyes and Jensen takes that as silent permission to continue.

The sudden shift in mood does a lot to take Jensen mind off the fact that he’s giving his very first handjob to a dude and he mostly goes on autopilot. He does what feels good when he does it on himself, squeezes extra hard just under the head and spreads Jared’s pre-come around to make it slick. Rubs the pad of his thumb over the slit and brushes the tips of his fingers over Jared’s balls every few strokes or so.

He speeds up when Jared starts to make these adorable little keening noises and it’s not bad. Really it isn’t, it’s just… It’s just that Jared is right and he deserves for this to be more than ‘not bad’ for Jensen. He deserves for Jensen to be just as crazy turned on over this as Jared is.

Before long Jared is coming, thick spurts of white all over his t-shirt and Jensen’s hand and when he’s finished Jensen mutely lets go and sits back, looks down at his messy fingers, back up at Jared who is quietly returning his breathing to normal and sort of clears his throat.

He hates this. Hates that this is so fucking awkward and hates that he’s obviously extremely straight no matter how much he tries not to be and he hates that he’s so selfish he’s not ready to give up.

“I uh… I should probably go,” he says, finally.

Jared reaches down to pull his pants back up and gives Jensen a slightly amused look. It helps.

“This is your room,” he points out. Of course it is. Christ.

“Yeah.”

“I’ll go,” Jared says and pushes himself up to sitting.

“You don’t have to,” Jensen tells him, because he doesn’t ever kick anyone out of bed after sex. He’s got better manners than that. “Stay.”

“I’ll go,” Jared says again, leans forward to kiss Jensen’s forehead. “Good night, Jensen.”

“Night,” Jensen answers and it’s a full five minutes after the door closes behind Jared that Jensen gets up to wipe his hand.

***

The next day they don’t really see each other. They spend ten minutes eating breakfast together and have a stilted conversation about crop rotation or crop circles or it might be fucking crop tops for all the attention either of them is paying. Jared has a dentist appointment that morning so Jensen doesn’t drive him to work and he’s not home by the time Jensen goes to bed that night. At eight thirty.

The next day he asks if Jared wants to catch a movie but Jared tells him he already has plans with a friend, maybe on the weekend.

The day after that they go grocery shopping and argue over whether they should get orange juice with pulp or without.

On Saturday night Jensen cooks them both dinner. Jared loves Jensen’s lasagne almost as much as he loves his daddy’s barbequed ribs and after two huge servings and a few beers, things start to seem okay. Jensen still has no idea what they’re talking about, but at least they’re talking. Having a real conversation with laughter and wild hand gestures and personal anecdotes and disparaging remarks.

It’s almost like it used to be, before the physical aspect of their relationship started.

And speaking of ‘physical’, Jensen figures he’s sort of running out of time if he wants to make a move tonight. Or ever again, because after a week of awkward tension and a surprisingly nice evening, it seems like they’re fast on the road back to ‘just friends’ and Jensen’s not quite ready to take that exit.

“So hey,” Jensen says after a short lull in conversation, reaches his hand out across the table to settle over Jared’s. He grins and waggles his eyebrows and asks, “You wanna go to my room? I got Meatloaf on vinyl.”

Jared barks out a sharp laugh, shakes his head. “God, I love you.”

“That a yes?”

“Jensen,” Jared says slowly, then sighs deeply and moves his hand out from under Jensen’s and uses it to twirl his empty beer bottle around. “I want to. I really, really want to. But this isn’t working. I hate that it isn’t, trust me, I hate it, but the longer we keep pretending, the worse it’s going to be on both of us when it comes crashing down.”

Jensen gets up out of his chair, moving before he even thinks and covers the two steps between him and Jared, twists Jared’s chair around and sits down so he’s straddling his lap. He’s got Jared’s face in his hands before he knows what he’s doing and he tilts his head slightly, presses his right cheek to Jared’s left and lets out a soft breath into his ear.

“Don’t,” he whispers. “I’m trying, Jared. Please, don’t give up on us yet.”

He feels Jared’s hands on the back of his head and then his face is turned and Jared’s lips are pressed to his hard and fast. The kiss is closed mouthed and rough and they’re both panting when it’s over.

“Jensen…”

“No,” Jensen cuts him off, doesn’t want to hear it, whatever it is Jared’s going to say. “No, just… I’m getting used to it. It’s still a little weird, sure, but there’s some stuff that I really like now. Like the kissing. The kissing is awesome. And that blowjob wasn’t so bad. It’s just… I’m trying.”

“But you shouldn’t have to try,” Jared tells him. “You should just want, just feel and if you’re not, then it’s not right. It’s not something we should be doing, because it’s only a matter of time before we resent each other for it. You know that.”

Jensen does know that, but he’s feeling a little desperate.

“Okay,” he says. “Okay, fine. You’re right. The last thing I want is to hurt you, but you have to know. I do want this. Maybe the sex doesn’t really do it for me, but everything else… I want you, Jared. I’m in love with you, for fuck’s sake. Fuck, why can’t I be gay?”

“I’ve been asking myself that since we met,” Jared says, smiling crookedly.

“Let’s just take some time,” he reasons. “We won’t give up yet, but we’ll take a few days, a few weeks maybe and I can… I don’t know. See if anything changes. Just don’t end it. Not yet. Give me one more chance.”

Jared looks at him for a beat, then his forehead pinches in a pained expression and he closes his eyes and kisses Jensen again.

“I can’t say no to you,” he admits. “Shit, why can’t I say no to you?”

“Because I have great legs,” Jensen tells him, flashing a cocky grin that doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

Jared laughs and kisses Jensen once more and they sit there just holding each other until Jensen’s legs start to ache.

***

Two weeks, it’s been. Two weeks in which everything has more or less gone back to normal, except for how Jensen has redoubled his efforts to find sex with Jared an appealing prospect. He doesn’t bother with any more gay porn, because he doesn’t have to bother trying to be interested in any man besides Jared. Plus, all watching that shit does is kind of freak him out.

He jerks off a lot, usually twice a day and every time he does, he refuses to let himself come unless he’s actively thinking of Jared’s mouth around him or Jared lying naked and spread out. He watches Jared all the time, mentally undresses him and tries to imagine what it would feel like to have Jared’s dick in his mouth, tries to associate that imagined feeling with good things, like a cold beer or a piece of cheesecake.

It’s not until he realises that he’s essentially training himself, conditioning himself to think that fucking Jared is something enjoyable, that he finally decides he’s fucking himself up so hard he’ll probably need psychiatric counselling if he keeps it up much longer. It’s now or never. He’s going to give this thing one last shot, and if it doesn’t work, then he’s just going to have to accept that. Even if it kills him.

Jared’s been out for supper with some friends from work and when he gets home a little after nine, Jensen is waiting for him.

He’s in Jared’s room, sitting on Jared’s bed, wearing just a pair of silk sleep pants, so dark blue they almost seem black. They’re the ones that Jared idly traces patterns over with his fingers when Jensen lies on the couch and kicks his feet up into Jared’s lap and Jared tells him they’re so soft he can’t keep his hands to himself. The ones that Jared says hang just right and make him look good enough to eat.

He’s not wearing anything under them and he’s decided to go shirtless. He’s not as built as Jared is, but he’s seen Jared check him out enough times that he’s pretty sure showing a little skin might be to his advantage here.

And he knows he needs every advantage he can get. He’s got some of Jared’s lame easy listening music playing on his ipod and he’s lit a few candles. There’s a bottle of wine sitting next to two glasses on the nightstand and a brand new box of condoms and bottle of lube sitting prominently on Jared’s pillow.

He jumps a little when he hears the front door open and hears Jared call out his name. He doesn’t answer, can’t really find his voice but less than a minute later Jared’s bedroom door his pushed open and Jared steps through, blinking before his eyes widen as he takes in the scene.

Showtime.

“Jensen, what is this?” he asks, blinks again and steps further inside, words quiet and cracking, splintering. Jensen can feel how much those words hurt, how much everything hurts.

“One last shot?” Jensen offers with a strained smile. He reaches over and picks up the bottle of slick, waggles it back and forth a few times. “Strawberry flavoured.”

“Jensen, you shouldn’t have done this,” Jared says, and again Jensen can hear the brokenness behind the words, hear them hitch and catch. “You can’t… You had a hard enough time even touching my dick, man. There’s no way you actually want to fuck me.”

Jensen tosses the bottle down and stands up, takes a step closer to Jared.

“So, when you told me you’d take some time, give me one more chance. You were lying to me? You knew you were ending it but you just didn’t have the balls to flat out say it?”

“No, I…” Jared blows out a frustrated breath his, balls his hand up into a fist, then relaxes. “Of course I wasn’t lying. I just…”

“You just didn’t think I’d actually follow through,” Jensen says, slowly stalking towards Jared, one lazy step at a time until he has Jared backed up against the wall next to his door. “You thought I’d take a few days off and realise that I didn’t actually want you at all and this whole thing would just go away.”

He’s got his hands on the wall on either side of Jared’s head now, boxing him in and he can hear Jared’s breath speed up, feel the thrum of arousal through his body in the space between them.

All it does is emphasise the fact that Jensen isn’t turned on, probably won’t be until he fondles himself a little and that just pisses him off.

As if reading his mind, one of Jared’s hand’s slides up his thigh, between his legs to cup his groin. Jared moans and Jensen scowls and after ten solid seconds of kneading and pressing with embarrassingly little result, Jared lets go, sighs and his body goes lax against the wall.

“Why are you doing this?” he asks and Jensen ignores him, cranes his neck and nudges Jared’s jaw with his nose, kisses deep, sucking kisses along his neck. “God, Jensen, please. You know this isn’t going to work. Please don’t do this. I’m not strong enough to say no to you.”

Jared’s hands are on his back suddenly, rough tips of his fingers ghosting up and down over Jensen’s skin and then stopping, pressing harder and pulling Jensen closer. He slots in between Jared’s slightly spread legs and their groins brush together.

Jared’s hard. Jensen can feel him against the inside of his hip and as he licks over the bruising flesh of Jared’s pulse point it hits him. It finally, really hits him. This is just a page they can never be on together. No matter how much they both want it, no matter that it would complete Jensen’s life in a way he can’t even imagine, no matter that nothing in the world will ever make him as happy as the idea of being with Jared will – it’s impossible.

It’s something that Jensen will never be able to feel, in his gut, in his heart, in his dick.

He’s been such a fucking idiot and he’s put Jared through Hell and he’s probably ruined their friendship. And for what? Ego and greed and a damn lost cause.

“Let me go,” Jared says, the words sliding across the shell of Jensen’s ear and as hard as it is, he pulls back, takes his arms down from the wall and steps away.

“No,” Jared smiles sadly. “No, I mean, let me go. This is never going to happen. In my heart, I know, it’s never going to happen. But unless I hear it from you, unless you tell me. Unless you let me go, I’m always going to hope. I’m always going to come running when you make me think there’s even the slightest chance. Just put me out of my misery. Tell me I can’t have you. Please.”

Jensen’s mouth falls open and then snaps shut again, his eyes turning hard as he backs up even further, putting more space between them. If he doesn’t, he thinks he might just lose it and punch Jared right in his stupid, beautiful, heartbroken face.

“You think this is some kind of game for me?” Jensen demands. “That I like keeping you on a string? That I don’t want you to be happy? You think the reason I haven’t had a serious girlfriend in a year and half is that I don’t want one? No, Jared. No. I’m in the same boat as you. What I want most in the world, I can’t have. And I can’t get you out of my head enough to move the fuck on.”

And then something changes in Jared’s eyes. They’re still watery, still strained tight at the corners but they flash with a sad resignation and finally settle on something like peace.

“It’s over, Jensen,” he tells him, his voice quiet but unwavering. “Hell, it never even really started. Either way, we can’t do this anymore. The answer is…” He chokes a little then, just a little, so soft it’s almost imperceptible. “The answer is no.”

Jensen feels his chest tighten, that light feeling and then the drop and he has to bite back his own sob, his own curse and has to try even harder not to knock Jared on his ass. Because Jared is letting them both go, saying it for Jensen, trying to make it easier on Jensen but it’s only making it harder. Harder to walk away because Jared is very clearly the most amazing person on the entire planet.

But instead of throwing a fit or pressing on until Jared fucks him anyway, he summons a reserve of courage and conviction he didn’t know he had and returns the favour.

“I’m not into guys,” Jensen tells him. “I tried, Jared. I tried for you, but I’m not and I’m never going to be. This…” he pauses and gestures around the room, at himself at the ridiculous and thoroughly humiliating spectacle he’s made, “was stupid. It’s never going to happen again. You need to move on. Date. Really date, no phoning it in, and find someone. Promise me.”

“I can’t waste my life hoping for something I can never have,” Jared tells him, instead of making the promise, and it sounds like an apology.

“I love you,” Jensen says and knows Jared hears I’m sorry too.

“I know you do. Just not the way we both wanted.”

Jensen allows himself another minute and half of denial, crowds in close to Jared again and puts one hand on the back of Jared’s neck, the other on his hip. He wants to kiss Jared, he really does, but instead he ducks his head, rests his forehead against Jared’s shoulder and just breathes.

Jared’s hands clench tight against Jensen’s bare back and when they finally separate he manages a “Don’t wake me up before eight tomorrow, unless you want to die,” before he slips out the door and into his own room.

He has no choice but to try to act cool, Jared doesn’t either, but he knows it’s probably going to be a while before everything is okay again.

Here they both are with broken hearts and they don’t even have their best friends to see them through it. It fucking sucks. Jared was right; they never should have started this in the first place.

***

The next few months are rough.

Jensen has pretty frequent meaningless sex with girls he meets in bars or libraries or the grocery store. He’s using them to get over Jared and he sort of feels like shit, but if they’re willing to fuck a complete stranger after only knowing him for an hour, they’re probably not into him for his personality, so he gets over it.

Jared does actually keep the promise he never made to Jensen. He dates. Most of the dates seem innocent enough from Jensen’s perspective – Jared comes home early, alone and without even a hair out of place but when Jared finally stumbles into the house at one in the morning, slightly drunk with his shirt untucked and a dopy smile on his face, everything suddenly shifts.

It’s Jared’s fourth date with the same guy and so far Jensen knows nothing about him. Hasn’t asked because he honestly hasn’t wanted to know. Didn’t want to hear about the guy who’s taking Jared away from him. But if he makes Jared as happy as it seems, Jensen’s jealousy will have to take a back seat.

He really does love Jared, always will and if Mr. Fourth-date’s-the-charm is finally going to put that smile back on Jared’s face, then Jensen is happy too.

“Who is he?” Jensen asks, pulling two beers out of the fridge and passing one to Jared. Jared follows him from the kitchen to the living room where they drop down on the couch next to each other, Jensen with one arm slung around Jared’s shoulders and Jared slouched down so his head rests on Jensen’s chest. It's so familiar, so comfortable and so right.

“His name is Misha,” Jared says after a long swallow and he places a hand on Jensen’s knee. It’s not even weird. “He’s a teacher and he’s gorgeous and he’s a great kisser and he’s a wiz at crosswords and he’s got this kind of dry sense of humour that I think you’d actually appreciate more than I do. He’s kind – he seriously helped a little old lady across the street tonight – and he holds the door for me and does charity work. And he told me he sometimes likes to wear women’s underwear, but so far I haven’t seen any proof.”

Jensen smiles along with Jared, pulls his arm around him tighter and nothing would make Jensen happier than if this guy really is as great as Jared thinks he is. Still… “Misha?”

“Shut up!” Jared says, laughing and slapping Jensen’s hand where it’s now resting against his ribs. He sobers then, relaxes back into Jensen’s arms takes a breath. “I like him.”

They’re quiet for a few minutes, both of them lazy and comfortable and sipping from their bottles until Jensen speaks.

“Is he good to you? Are you happy?”

“I’m happy,” Jared tells him, fingers clenching Jensen’s hand.

Those two words out of Jared’s mouth both crush him and set him free.

“Shit,” Jensen breathes, tilts his head down to press a kiss to the top of Jared’s head. “You prefer pussy to cock and suddenly the love of your life runs off with someone else.”

“I’m hardly the love of your life,” Jared says, snorting a little and Jensen makes a show of wiping his hand on Jared’s shirt. “You’ll get married one day. You’ll be disgustingly happy and have dozens of kids and buy them all ponies and invite me and my ‘life partner’ over for thanksgiving dinner.”

“Yeah, I probably will,” Jensen agrees. He’s smiling, but it’s wistful. “I always make too much turkey anyway.”

“Misha’s a vegan,” Jared points out and Jensen laughs then, finally, fully, lets it all go and thinks for the first time in a long time that they’ll be fine, in the end.

“Tofurky then,” he says. Then, after a brief silence, “I want to meet him.”

There’s more quiet, then. Almost too much. Eventually Jared shifts against him, turns his head so he’s looking right at Jensen.

“I want you to date,” he tells him. Jensen opens his mouth to say that he has been dating. He’s been on at least two dates a week since him and Jared called it off, but Jared’s look shuts him up. “No, I mean really date. Find someone. Be happy. Promise me.”

“I will,” Jensen agrees. “Maybe not now, maybe not next week, but I will find someone. I promise. I’m just too pretty to be alone for long.”

“And so modest, too,” Jared says, smacks his chest and Jensen bends over to kiss his along his cheekbone. He pushes Jared up then and slips out from underneath.

“I need to sleep. But I want to meet your little boy toy by next week. I mean it, Jared.”

Jensen gets all the way to his bedroom door before Jared calls out to him.

“Jensen!”

“Yeah?”

“Sweet dreams.”

For the first time in a long time, he actually has them.

END