RockStarPeach

Title: Right Kind Of Right
Rating: Adult
Pairing: J2
Summary: Jared has always just been there, when Jensen needs an outlet. They're friends with benefits. That's all it is for Jensen. Jared, unfortunately, doesn't feel the same. He's in love with Jensen, has been from the start. It takes a frustrated confession and a jealous stand off before Jensen realises that he was wrong, that maybe Jared does mean more to him than an easy lay.
Word count: 5000
A/N: Written for a kink meme prompt that was basically something something... Jensen and Jared are fuck buddies and Jared is in love with Jensen, Jensen falls for Jared too after he gets jealous when he sees Jared with someone else, and there's switching. Actually, the prompt was way more involved than that (and awesome) but I didn't actually manage to include everything in here.


***

“I don't think this is such a good idea,” Jensen says. He tilts his chin down so he can rub it back and forth absently over the top of Jared's head, where it's resting on his naked chest. They're spent, sated, fucked out after a long fucking day and that's usually enough. That used to be enough. But this cuddling thing, it's getting to be habit. Jared starts it when Jensen's tired or lazy or distracted, when he's not thinking clearly enough to put a stop to it right away. “Not anymore.”

“What?” Jared asks, pulls back and lifts his face to look at Jensen with a frown. “Why not?”

He's stiff suddenly, tense. Which is the exact opposite of what Jensen had been going for a few minutes ago.

“Tell me you don't love me,” Jensen tells him. It sounds like an order. It's really a plea.

“I... Of course I love you, Jensen,” Jared answers, bewildered. “You're my best friend.”

“You know what I mean,” Jensen says. He doesn't snap, doesn't scold or yell or get frustrated. He's too tired for that. Besides, it's not Jared's fault.

When they'd started this thing, this whole 'friends with benefits' thing, it had seemed too good to be true. They were roommates, best friends, co-workers. They hung out all the time. They got along like fucking gangbusters, better than any other friend Jensen had ever had. Neither of them was attached, they were both hard up and not into one night stands and way too busy to bother putting in the effort to look for a significant other.

Best of all, they weren't gay. Aren't gay, which should mean no complications, no misunderstandings, no hurt feelings. They fuck because it's easy. They don't ever have to put in much effort – there's no seduction involved, it's a simple transaction. They do it because it's right there and it feels good, not because they want to live happily ever after with each other. It's a place holder, something to tide them over until they have the time and the inclination for something real.

At least, that was the deal going in.

Lately, Jensen's not so sure.

Jared's started looking at him, really looking at him, when Jensen pretends he's busy, or sleeping, or not paying attention. He looks at him with this expression, these eyes and he smiles like... Like Jensen can't explain it. He talks softer and his fingers gentle and when they're done, he keeps holding Jensen close. He picks up Jensen's favourite for supper and lets him choose the movie every Saturday. He smiles at Jensen, slow, easy smiles and sometimes when they sit next to each other on the couch after a long day, Jared puts a hand on his leg and rests his head on Jensen's shoulder, even when he's too tired for sex.

Jensen's not stupid; he knows what that means.

Jared takes a deep breath and his eyes drop. He looks at Jensen's sternum and places his palm flat against it. Jensen breathes out sharply and closes his eyes.

“I don't know what you want me to say, man,” Jared says. “I can't... I can't tell you what you want to hear, not this time. I'm sorry.”

“So... I guess we should stop. You know... this.” Jensen gestures down at where his dick is still hanging out of his pants and Jared's only got one leg in his own, and Jared doesn't let go.

“We don't need to,” he says, but Jensen doesn't believe him. Jensen doesn't want to stop either, he doesn't. Fucking Jared is easy. It's a quick and convenient way to get off when his own right hand gets a little boring, but it's not worth their friendship.

“I don't want this to get messy, Jared. That's the last thing we need. I can't lose your friendship, not over this.”

“We won't,” Jared assures him, shakes his head almost violently. “I swear, Jensen, that won't happen. This... And how I feel? It doesn't have to get complicated.”

“You can just... shut off your feelings every time we bang?”

Jared looks at him like he's a special kind of idiot.

“Of course not. But I won't let it interfere, not with... with the sex, or anything else. I swear, Jensen. This is good for both of us. It doesn't have to change.”

Jensen sighs and wraps his arm around Jared, pulling him down again. Jensen's not sure if Jared's right or not, but they don't have to figure it out right this moment.

They're quiet for a while and Jared doesn't make a peep when Jensen slips out of bed after a few minutes, to head to his own room.

***

Two months later and things are okay.

Jared seems to have meant it when he said he wouldn't let his feelings get in the way. He's mostly gone back to normal, hogging all the hot water and drinking all Jensen's expensive coffee and generally being his good old, pain in the ass self. And the sex, if anything has gotten less personal, which Jensen should be happy out. Hell, Jensen is happy about it. Quick gropes and quicker fucks in the dark, Jared's face pressed to the wall or into a pillow while Jensen holds his hands down and slides into him, getting them both off, fast and hard. That's what it's all about, that was always the arrangement.

Jared seems to be holding up his end of the deal just fine.

Jensen's the one with the problem. It's not that he can't differentiate sex from romance. He can. He has, plenty of times. Plenty of times with Jared, even. But even when it's just a one night stand (back when he had the time and energy for that kind of thing) there's always some kind of connection between the two of them. And Jared's his best friend, for fuck's sake. He loves Jared and it feels... wrong, he supposes to have fucked him a hundred different times, and to never once have looked him in the face.

Every time they fuck it's Jensen behind Jared, Jared on his hands and knees, or on his belly. Jensen's never kissed him, never touched him except where he has to, to get the job done. They've traded a few handjobs, Jared's offered to blow him a couple of times, but Jensen prefers straight up sex. If they can keep most of their clothes on while they do it, even better. Jared's even asked Jensen a couple of times if he wouldn't mind bottoming, but Jensen shut that idea down pretty quick. They already know that Jared likes it, so why rock the boat? Besides, Jensen might like to fuck Jared – just to take the edge off – but taking it up the ass is a step too far. He's not gay.

And since they had their talk, Jared's been good. He hasn't once tried to ambush Jensen after a shower, or when he's getting changed, hasn't looked when Jensen doesn't want him to look, hasn't tried to fall asleep on Jensen when they're done.

It's exactly what he wants. So why does he feel so damn... unsettled?

***

The next time he fucks Jared, he lays him out on his bed, strips Jared's pants off and settles himself in between Jared's legs. He looks down at Jared, watches him blink and swallow and he lets Jensen lift under his knees, wrap his legs around Jensen's waist and he holds them there. Jensen licks his lips and unfastens his own pants, rolls a condom down quickly over his shaft and pushes forward, sinking into Jared in one smooth, long thrust. They both gasp, Jared slams his eyes shut and throws his head back when Jensen rocks in, again and again.

Jensen's hands are braced on the bed next to Jared's hips and Jared's fingers twitch impatiently at his sides. He wants to touch, Jensen can tell and Jared's been so good lately, sticking to all Jensen's stupid 'rules' catering to his ridiculous hang-ups. So what the hell, right? They're fucking. Touching is part of that. As long it doesn't get weird.

He takes Jared's left hand and places it on his thigh. Jared's eyes snap open and he bites his lip when Jensen thrusts in a little harder, a little sharper, angled just right to smash into Jared's prostate. It hurts, but in that good way, Jared always says. Jared's fingers curl and dig into the denim covering Jensen's skin and Jensen pushes down harder onto Jared's hand, flattening it out.

“Here,” he says, gruff and a little breathless from arousal and exertion. “Here's okay.”

Jared nods and when Jensen takes his hand away, he lets his fingers skitter and explore. Not too far, his hand doesn't even move from where Jensen left it, but his fingers move as far as they can and Jensen grabs Jared by his hips to get better leverage. He fucks into Jared hard and they both cry out. Jensen's getting closer. He can tell Jared is, too, by the way his breathing changes, by the way he starts to whimper a little and most obviously by the way his hand shoots to his dick and starts pumping it.

Jensen's done that for him before, sometimes. And he would have tonight, if Jared had asked. Jensen's dirty little secret, something that even Jared doesn't know about him, is that he likes it. He likes to touch Jared's cock, likes how it feels in his hand. That's probably why he avoids doing it as much as possible without coming off like an inconsiderate hypocrite. The idea that being with Jared might be a little more than just convenient is something he doesn't want to look at too closely. Jensen's not into guys. He's not gay, he isn't. He wants to get married one day, to a woman. He wants to have babies and wake up next to a pretty girl every morning.

This thing with Jared, it's just sex and it has to stay that way.

“Fuck yeah,” Jared pants, then he grunts and comes all over his fist. “Shit, that's the stuff. God, that's good.”

Jensen lets out a tiny little chuckle at that. Eloquent as always, Jared is, but he's right. The two of them together like this, it really is good. He speeds up a little, breath coming in shorter puffs as he chases his own orgasm.

Jared lets his sticky hand fall to his belly, fingers still lightly curled around his softening prick. His body goes lax, lets Jensen keep on fucking into him, but he's done.

“Take your time,” he tells Jensen, lazily. He starts to blink slower and Jensen thinks he might be fighting a yawn. He'd be offended if Jared wasn't so fucking adorable. “I'm actually pretty damn comfortable like this, man. Think I might even be able to get hard again after a while.”

Jensen rolls his eyes, then puts his hand down over Jared's face, palm flat over his mouth. Jared's mouth opens and his eyes go wide and Jensen can feel him laughing as he he bats at Jensen's arm and Jensen thrusts in a half dozen more times, and tumbles over the edge.

“Asshole,” Jared says, when Jensen pulls his hand away. Jensen snickers, but when he eases himself down so he can get a better angle to pull his dick out of Jared, Jared tilts his chin up and presses his lips to Jensen's.

Jensen freezes, then jerks back and rolls quickly to the side. He hopes he didn't hurt Jared by moving so quickly, but he's not really thinking, so much as reacting.

“What the... Jared, what the hell?”

“Sorry,” Jared says, immediately. His expression turns pinched and he slides a little further away from Jensen, grabs at the blanket to try to cover his lower half, but they're both kind of on top of it, so it doesn't really work. “Sorry, I just thought... never mind.”

He doesn't know what Jared thought, but he's pretty damn sure he wouldn't have though it if he'd taken Jared from behind, like normal.

“Jared, we talked about this. No kissing, right? Kissing makes it weird.”

“Jensen, we're secret fuck buddies who have never actually seen each other naked. It's already weird,” Jared counters. His voice is higher, louder like he's frustrated, like they've had this conversation a hundred times, when they've really only had it once, back when they started. Or, maybe Jared's had it over and over, in his own head. Like Jensen has.

“You know what I mean,” Jensen answers.

“Yeah, I do. And I get it. You're the big tough straight guy who only fucks his best friend because there doesn't happen to be any pussy hanging around the house. You want to dress me up in a skirt and some lipstick? I'm one step away from a blow-up doll, right?”

“Jared, come on. You know that's not...”

“No, it is. It is, but... but that's what I signed up for, right?”

“That's kinda what we both signed up for,” Jensen points out. “I mean... when we first thought this thing up, you were the one who insisted that nothing would change between us, that as long as we were going to be jerking off alone in our rooms, it made sense to jerk of together, instead. You made it pretty clear you weren't interested in me, just in my cock, so... I don't know what you want me to say.”

“I lied, Jensen!” Jared says. He's getting louder now, sitting up, not caring about the fact that he's naked and sticky from the waist down. “Of course I was interested, at least a little. I wouldn't have suggested we have sex if I wasn't. And fuck, of course I fell for you! We live together, eat together, work together. We do every damn thing together and we fuck all the time. I know I said I wouldn't let my feelings get in the way of that, but I fucking lied. Okay? I lied. I'd have to be pretty damn cold to keep that shit locked up.”

The look he gives Jensen then is both piteous and accusatory. And Jensen gets it, he does, but fuck. He told Jared they should stop. He knew this was going to happen.

“You'd have to be like me, you mean,” Jensen says quietly, coldly. When Jared doesn't answer after about ten long, tense seconds, Jensen reaches down to finally strip the condom off and he tucks himself back in. “I should go.”

He stands, used condom still hanging from between two fingers as he makes his way out to the door and down the hall.

***

Jensen has a lot of time over the next couple of weeks to think.

He doesn't see much of Jared, except for work. At work, everything is business as usual, they do their jobs, they talk when they need to. They're not hostile, not cold to each other, but there's tension there, a tension that was never there before, not even right after they started fucking. After work, Jared goes to his room, or he goes out, or he locks himself in their home gym and Jensen doesn't see him again until the morning.

Jensen still makes them both eggs and Jared still makes the coffee and they still share some small talk over the morning news, but Jared's confession, his accusations, they still hang heavy between them.

Jensen doesn't know if it's over between them, the sex or the friendship or both.

He doesn't know if he wants them to be. He's had weeks to himself, weeks to think, weeks to figure it all out, but he still doesn't know if he wants more from Jared, or less. It's clear that what they've been playing at for the past six months isn't working anymore, if it ever was in the first place.

***

The fact that he ends up at Jared's favourite bar is entirely coincidence.

Okay, it's not.

The truth is, he was bored, he was thirsty, he was lonely and he was missing Jared something fierce. He'd been in the mood to hide away in a room full of people, drink a couple of beers and yeah, okay, he'd wanted to do it where he figured Jared would be doing the same. He'd actually asked Jared if he wanted to watch a movie tonight, but Jared had just mumbled that he was going 'out'. Jared's his best friend and they haven't spoken two words to each other in almost a month. Jensen's kind of over it.

He's made a choice. A sudden, spur of the moment, light bulb over his head choice. He can't lose Jared, and he can't keep hurting him. He's ready to apologise, for whatever he's done wrong, for whatever Jared's done wrong. Jensen doesn't even care who's fault this whole mess is, he'll take the blame. He's ready to get his best friend back, even if he has to let his fuckbuddy go.

Except, when Jensen pulls open the dark brown single door, when his shoes catch and pull as he crosses the beer-tacky floor, he sees him.

He's in his usual spot, their usual spot, along the back wall, in a six-man booth. It's Tuesday, so the bar's not crowed, and Jared can get away with it. He can get away with taking up a whole booth just for two, like Jensen used to do with Jared, only a four weeks ago. This time though, it's some other guy.

And he's not nearly as subtle as Jensen is. He's right in Jared's space, practically sitting in his lap as he smiles and laughs and reaches forward to tuck Jared's hair behind his ear. And Jared, he's flirting right back, ducking his head and batting his lashes so he looks shier than he could ever even pretend to be. God, what is he thinking?

It's not even a conscious decision on Jensen's part, he just starts walking. He's sitting down in the booth opposite Jared and his new friend before he even realises he's started moving. They both look over at him, startled. Jared looks confused at first, then guilty, then annoyed. The other guy just looks confused. He's older than Jared, older than Jensen. He's handsome, in that George Clooney way and the thought of Jared going home with the guy makes Jensen's teeth itch.

“I'm not intruding, am I?” Jensen asks, fake smile pasted on.

George looks like he's about to answer, but Jared beats him to the punch.

“Kind of, yeah,” he says, staring Jensen down, completely unapologetic. “Did you need something, or can we talk at home. Tomorrow.”

Jensen doesn't miss the emphasis Jared puts on the word Tomorrow and he grinds his teeth a little before he takes a calming breath. It's not actually any of his business, except...

“You're not really going home with this guy, are you?”

Jared's eyes grow wide and his jaw hangs open.

“Lance, could you give us a couple of minutes?” he asks, smiling sweetly at George. George frowns, but he nods, says “Sure thing,” and he cups Jared's cheek briefly as he stands and walks away.

Once he's safely at the other side of the bar, ordering a drink from a stool near the door, Jared turns back to Jensen.

“I can't believe you just said that!” he hisses.

It's possible Jensen suffered a stroke or something during the last ten minutes, because all he can say in response is, “Lance?”

“You've made your feelings pretty clear, Jensen,” Jared says. “And I can't blame you for what's in your heart. Just like you can't blame me if I'm sick and tired of beating my head against a brick wall. He's interested in me, he seems to actually like me. He's attracted to me, and not just because I'm convenient. So yeah, Jensen. Yeah, I'm really planning on going home with him.”

Jensen's flounders, his mouth opens and closes and he honest to God doesn't understand what's happening right now. Jared's going home with a guy. Jared likes women. Jensen's sure of it.

“You can't,” he says, quiet, unsure. He's just so lost.

“Why?” Jared asks, sitting up straighter, shoulders high, like a challenge. Like he really wants to hear the answer. “Why can't I, Jensen?”

“Because we're straight, Jared!” Jensen shouts, then snaps his mouth shut and looks around, checking if anyone heard him. Nobody appears to be staring at them like they're giant freaks, so he continues, quieter.

“I mean... apart from...” He blushes and gestures from himself to Jared. “I get it if you're done with me, but... If you are? If you're done with me then it's supposed to be because you want to be with a girl, not some middle-aged guy named Lance.”

He doesn't know why it's so important to him, why, even now, he's scanning the rows of tables and the section of floor by the dartboard for an eligible woman to set Jared up with. Or why he hopes he doesn't find any. Suddenly the idea of Jared spending the night with anyone at all doesn't sit quite right.

Jared doesn't say anything to that, not at first. He's quiet, he's calm while Jensen silently freaks the fuck out.

“Jensen,” he finally says and when he does, he sounds way too reasonable. “We clearly need to have a conversation, but this isn't the time or place. Can we please do this tomorrow?”

“No,” Jensen answers, simply. He's aware he's being unfair, but he finds himself unable to care, at the moment. “No, we can't. I don't want you to do this.”

Hope flairs in Jared's eyes, there's no other possible reason for the look Jensen sees.

“Why not?”

The truth is, Jensen doesn't even know. The past two months, the past two days have been kind of an emotional whirlwind for Jensen. Still, he's aware Jared's going to need more than 'because I said so' in explanation. Too bad he's got nothing.

“Let's go home,” he says.

“I was trying to, before you showed up.”

“I meant you and me,” Jensen almost growls. “Seriously, Jared. Stop this.”

“Stop this?” Jared gapes, eyes wide and incredulous. “I'm not... God, I'm not throwing a tempter tantrum, or begging for attention. I'm trying to get over you, Jensen. I'm trying to get you out of my system. So just... if you care about me at all, just fuck off and let me.”

Jensen feels like absolute shit.

He thinks about it. He honestly thinks about it. For about four seconds.

“No,” he says and Jared's eyes grow wider. His face gets redder and he takes a breath like he's about to let Jensen have it, but Jensen cuts off his righteous tirade with two small, simple steps forward.

He swings his arm to take Jared's hand, fingers curling around Jared's palm. He squeezes once and gives Jared's arm a tug, pulling so Jared stumbles slightly and has to settle against Jensen's front.

“I think you're right, we need to talk,” Jensen tells him. “I think it's long overdue. Please, let's go home.”

Jared's eyes slip closed and his shoulders slump and Jensen cups Jared's face with a shaky, sweaty palm, tilts it down and touches their foreheads together.

“Please,” he says again.

Jared nods silently and Jensen leads him out to the parking lot, to Jared's car.

Jensen doesn't even have one, but he does have keys to Jared's, so Jared slips quietly into the passenger seat. Jensen doesn't want to think about how that might or might not mirror their entire relationship up to this point.

***

“I'm not, you know,” Jared says, slowly, quietly, after they've spent several uncomfortably silent minutes sitting next to each other on their living room couch.

“Not...?” Jensen can play dumb all he wants, but he's all too aware of what Jared's suggesting.

“Straight,” Jared answers, sitting up taller and looking right at Jensen, like he's daring him to say something.

Jensen would love to, but the truth is, he doesn't understand. Jared's not straight. Jared's gay. Or bisexual, maybe, but... Jared is into dudes. No, that doesn't make any sense.

“But, you... Yes, you are,” he insists. “You had a girlfriend when we met. And that's all you've ever mentioned, girlfriends. I'm sure I would have noticed if you'd ever been dating a guy. And when we first got together you didn't...” He stops and frowns, thinks about what exactly Jared was like back then. He was passive, let Jensen take the lead. Did what Jensen asked and seemed to enjoy it. Nothing about the way Jared was gave Jensen the impression he was used to banging another man. “You didn't exactly go for it like it was old hat.”

Jared laughs then, short and bitter.

“Did you really think I'd never been with a guy, before you?” Jensen did actually think that, and he doesn't really know how to process this new truth, so he just stays quiet. “Jensen, you never even bothered to prep me, not even the first time. You just... bent me over and shoved it in. Didn't you think it was... I don't know... a little too easy?”

“Well I... how the hell should I know?!” Jensen shouts, frustrated. He's so out of his depth here. “With girls, I...”

Jensen stops talking before he can make an even bigger ass of himself. He really doesn't have a clue, when he thinks about it, what sex with a man should be like. With girls it is easier. They're naturally slick, looser and everything just... fits. Sure, he's gone through a few back doors in his day and sure he's always been a little more slow, more careful, used his fingers first to open them up, but...

God, yeah, he doesn't know. He'd never been that gentle, that considerate with Jared. He hadn't meant to be cruel, just... For fuck's sake, Jared's bigger than he is! Jensen figured he could take it.

“It's okay,” Jared tells him. He sounds softer now, comforting almost. “I know it was new for you, weird and confusing, maybe?”

Jensen snorts at that, because it might have been, if he'd stopped to let himself think about it. It's confusing as fuck right now, though.

“I'm sorry,” Jensen says, instead of answering. “If I ever hurt you. In, you know. Physically, or...”

“You didn't,” Jared says, then he ducks his head and smiles a small smile. “Well, maybe a little, maybe a few times. But I knew what I was doing, Jensen. I knew how to handle myself.” He pauses and takes a deep breath. “And I knew that I was in love with you, and that you'd never feel the same.”

“I don't want you to be with anyone else,” Jensen says, sudden and loud in the still room. “I don't know what it means, not... not really. I don't know if... I just know that the idea of you with someone else makes me want to hit something.”

“I need a little more than that, Jensen.”

“I know. I know you do. And I... I want to be with you more than I'm freaked out about it, I think. I want to... Jared, I don't want to be friends with benefits. I want... I guess I want to try to... Fuck!” He stops to breathe, hopes Jared doesn't take his floundering as a lack of commitment. “Maybe we can try to be... something more.”

“Something more like...”

Jensen grits his teeth and bites the bullet. What has he got to lose, anyway?

“Something like I care about you and maybe I can... I don't know. Get used to that? Maybe I really do like being with you, maybe I want to see if we can take it further.”

Jared blinks, opens his mouth and blinks again.

“You're saying you want to... be boyfriends? Like... for real?"

“I don't know if I'd call it that,” Jensen says. “But... yeah. I feel good when I'm with you and bad when I'm not. And I know it's probably not enough, but...Please. Because I'd really like to give it a try.”

Jared smiles, small at first and then a little wider.

“Okay,” he says, and Jensen can't believe it's that easy, after all he's put Jared through. “Okay, let's give it a try.”

Jared is, without a doubt, the most amazing person on the planet.

“What should we try first?”

That's an easy one. Except for how it's a really fucking hard one.

“I want...” Jensen says, as he stands up and takes Jared's hand, tugs him in the direction of Jared's bedroom. “I want you to show me.”

“Show you?” Jared asks. “Jensen, I'll show you absolutely anything you want. You're going to have to be a little more specific.”

Jensen matches Jared's smile, then he ducks his head and blushes.

“I want you to show me how to... make love. To a man. I don't want to hurt you, anymore.”

Jared pulls back a little, his eyes widen and he takes a breath.

“You want me to...”

“Yeah,” Jensen agrees. “Yeah, I guess I do.”

“Wow,” Jared says, laughing a little to lighten the mood. “I guess you really are serious about this.”

Jensen sobers abruptly.

“I can't promise anything, you know that, don't you?” Jensen asks. “I mean, I can promise that I love you and that breaking your heart would break mine right along with it, and that I really do want to give this a shot, but... But I can't promise you that it will work out like we want. I always thought I'd have a wife, kids....”

“You love me?” Jared asks. Jensen laughs, because of course that's what he would focus on.

All Jensen can say is, “Yeah, I do." Because he does. Maybe not the way Jared wants him to, not yet at least. But he does love him. Always has. "Let me show you.”

Jared takes his hand again, and lets him.

END